Title: If I Loved You 
Author: Tess
E-mail: tnv099@aol.com
Date: 3/23/00
Spoilers: Briefly for events in En Ami and Triangle
Rating: NC-17. Go away if you are not of legal age in your country of 
residence
Content: SRA
Keywords, MSR, RST
Disclaimer: I just do this for fun. And to give them a proper resolution 
that is denied to them week after week. I'm making no money from this. 
The characters herein mentioned are the sole property of 1013 
Productions, Fox and CC.
Summary: Scully comes to an important realization


If I Loved You

If I loved you, 
time and again I would try to say, 
all I'd want you to know.
If I loved you, 
words wouldn't come in an easy way, 
round in circles I'd go.
Longing to tell you, but afraid and shy, 
I'd let my golden chances pass me by.
Soon you'd leave me, 
off you would go in the mist of day
Never, never to know.  
How I loved you, if I loved you.

   - Rogers and Hammerstein "Carousel"


If I Loved You 
By:  Tess


Scully pushed open the door to the basement office to find Mulder 
tossing things into boxes.

"Mulder, what are you doing?"

"I'm taking a leave of absence," he replied as he carefully placed 
Samantha's picture into the box.

"A leave of absence?"

"Yeah, you know...a leave of absence. I'm going away for a little 
while to think."

"To think about what?" Scully cried in confusion.

"About my life and what I want from it now. About what happened last 
month and what it means for us." Mulder continued his packing, now 
pulling pictures off the corkboard behind his desk.

"Mulder, you said you understood why I did what I did," Scully pleaded.

"I did. I do understand, Scully. I just need to get away to figure out 
what I want to do with the rest of my life."

Scully watched fearfully as he rolled up his "I Want to Believe" poster 
and stuck it into the corner of the box.

"You're packing like you don't plan to come back. Where are you going? 
How long will you be gone?"

Mulder hefted the box in his arms. "Maybe you should take some time to 
figure out what you want too. I'm going to find out who I am and what 
I want from my life now that I know what happened to Sam. And I'm going 
to try to figure out who you are." He took a step toward the door.

"Please, Mulder. Tell me where you're going." Tears clogged her throat 
and blurred her vision.

"I'll call you in a couple of weeks," he promised.

"Mulder, please, don't leave me," she begged. "I love you! Don't you 
know that?"

Mulder shook his head. "No, I don't. You've never told me," he 
admonished sadly and then he was gone.

********

Scully sat up with a gasp. She squinted at the glowing red numbers on 
the alarm clock next to her bed. 5:30 a.m.  

"A dream," she reassured herself as she flopped back against the 
pillows. She concentrated on breathing evenly until her pounding heart 
slowed. Scully closed her eyes and immediately a vision of a sad-faced 
Mulder leaving the office popped into her head. She scrubbed her hands 
over her face, trying to scour the image out of her mind's eye, but 
every time she closed her eyes she would relive her dream in all its 
Technicolor glory.

"Damn," she muttered, flinging back the covers. "Might as well get up 
now." She knew she would not be able to fall asleep again. She showered, 
forced herself to swallow some dry toast and tea and then did some work 
on her laptop. Finally, she decided to go to work early. She figured 
that she would beat Mulder in this morning, maybe have the coffee ready 
when he got there. All the while, reassuring herself that everything 
was indeed fine between she and Mulder.

*********

Scully arrived at the office and walked through the silent halls, 
heading for the basement. She pushed open the door to the office and 
was stunned to see Mulder packing files into a box. He looked up when 
the door opened.

"Hey," he called. "You're in early." He turned to the wall behind his 
desk and began to unpin some of the clippings fastened to the corkboard.

"Mulder, what are you doing?"

"Hmmm?" he asked distractedly. He peered at her for a moment, noting the 
dark circles under her eyes. "Jeez, Scully. You look like hell. What's 
up?"

"Nothing, she said hurriedly. "I had a bad dream and couldn't fall back 
to sleep." She wanted to focus their attention on what he was up to. 
"Mulder, what are you doing?" she asked again, waving her hands to 
indicate his activity.

"You want to talk about it?" he questioned.

"That's what I'm trying to do, but you won't answer me!" she replied 
tersely.

"What? Ohh. I meant your dream. Do you want to talk about your dream?"

"No," she wanted to scream in frustration. "I want to know why are 
packing all that stuff up!"

"What, this stuff? I'm just putting away some old files. Making some 
room. Why? What's the big deal?"

"You? You're filing? Cleaning up? Making some room!" She knew her voice 
was becoming shrill but she didn't seem to be able to stop.

"Yeah, why are you making such a production out of this?" he asked 
becoming defensive.

"I don't know, it's just that in 7 years I have never seen you put 
anything away. You usually just pile files on top of files and pin one 
article over another."

Mulder looked around the room consideringly. "Hmmm." He shrugged and 
stuffed another file into the box before closing it. Hefting the box, 
he carried it to a corner of the room and dropped it on top of several 
other boxes already stacked there. Dusting off his hands he slipped on 
his suit coat and picked up a file before heading to the door.

"I have a meeting with Skinner. I'll probably be tied up there for a 
few hours then I'm going to meet the Gunmen. They've got some new toy 
they've been wanting to show me. I probably won't be back today."

"Skinner wants to meet just with you?" Scully asked quietly.

He shrugged. "Some kind of department head thing." He opened the door. 
"I'll call you later," he said over his shoulder.

Scully sat down at her desk and began to work on several reports that 
were stacked up there. She was having trouble concentrating and her 
mind kept drifting between her dream and Mulder's odd behavior that 
morning. She was plagued throughout the morning with an uneasy feeling.  

"Dana, you have been working here too long," she admonished herself. 
"You're becoming paranoid!"

At noon she went out to grab a quick lunch and then came back to the 
office to finish up the reports only to find that her computer had 
crashed and no amount of rebooting it would bring it back. Heaving a 
disgusted sigh, she put in a repair call and was told that someone 
would get to it the next day. She picked up her work and carried it 
over to Mulder's desk to finish the report on his computer. She worked 
steadily for almost an hour when she was interrupted by an e-mail. 
Mulder had set up his e-mail program so that the mail would 
automatically open without asking whether you want to read it now 
or not. Scully moved her hand to the mouse to close the mail so that 
Mulder could read it later when the subject line caught her attention.

Subject: Reservation Confirmation
Confirmation Number: 1013-CC

Mr. Mulder: This message will serve as written confirmation of your 
reservation for accommodations for two (2) persons for the week 
beginning April 8, 2000.  

Room Type: Oceanfront 1 Bedroom Suite

We look forward to seeing you and hope you enjoy your stay.

Ocean Terra Resort
Key West, Florida


Scully read the message twice in stunned silence. Mulder was going away.  
On vacation. He hadn't mentioned it to her. She tried to think but her 
thoughts were swirling madly. Mulder was going on vacation and he wasn't 
going alone. She turned off the monitor and pushed away from the desk. 
Standing, she grabbed her keys and coat and practically ran from the 
Hoover Building.

When she arrived at her apartment she forced herself to school her 
chaotic thoughts, trying to think the matter through rationally. The 
problem was that her heart was breaking and she had an irrational urge 
to smash everything in sight.

Was it possible? she wondered, has Mulder met someone and not told me 
about it?' She had hoped that he returned her feelings of unspoken 
love. He had told her he loved her in Bermuda and although she thought 
it had been the drugs talking, she had prayed that it had been based in 
truth.

Have I waited too long? Is he tired of waiting for me?

Another equally horrible thought sprang to mind. Had Spender enticed 
her to go along on his little trip, not in an attempt to gain access 
to the disk, but rather to finally come between she and Mulder? Had a 
seed of doubt been planted in Mulder's mind?

No, she though desperately. Mulder understands why I went. He told me 
he understood better than anyone what I was thinking when I left. 
Still, fear gripped her belly in a fierce hold and refused to let go.

Oh God, she thought frantically. I can't lose him, not without a fight!

She jumped to her feet, tearing her work clothes off and pulling on 
jeans and a soft pink twinset that she knew Mulder liked to see her 
wear.

Half an hour later, she was knocking on his door. When he didn't answer, 
she let herself in, determined to wait until he came home. A couple of 
hours passed and she almost left three times. Finally, around 9:00 P.M. 
she hear his key in the lock. She panicked, suddenly worried that he 
might not be alone and she looked around frantically and hysterically 
for a place to hide.

Mulder walked into his apartment alone, surprised to see Scully curled 
up in the corner of his couch with his afghan spread over her legs.

"Scully?" He took a closer look at her and rushed across the room.

Crouching in front of her, he clutched the afghan. "What's wrong? Are 
you hurt? His eyes scanned her from head to toe, looking for an injury.

Scully shook her head. "Mulder, are you leaving me?"

Mulder's head snapped back in surprise."What are you talking about?"

Scully began talking frantically. 

"I had a dream last night that you were packing up the office and 
leaving me and then I came into work this morning and you were packing 
up the office and I thought something was wrong but I figured I was 
just imagining things so I was trying to get some work done and then 
when I got back from lunch my computer crashed and I couldn't fix it 
so I was using your computer and then an e-mail came in and I didn't 
plan on reading it but it was just *there* and I saw that you're going 
away on vacation with someone and I'm too late and then I started 
wondering maybe you just *think* that you understand why I went with 
Spender but maybe you don't really understand deep inside and that 
maybe you won't trust me like you used to and maybe I've ruined 
everything and Oh God Mulder you know I love you don't you?"

Scully stopped to draw in a breath. Mulder stared at her wide-eyed 
trying to process everything she had just said. But his mind kept 
fixating on the very last thing she had blurted out. His legs went out 
from under him and he collapsed onto the floor. Scully leaned forward. 
"Mulder? You know don't you?"

Mulder pursed his lips and shook his head. "No, Scully. You never told 
me."

Tears sprang to Scully's eyes. "Just like my dream," she whispered. 
Please God, she prayed, help me get this right.

"Mulder, time after time I've tried to tell you how I feel. But it was 
so hard, I was so afraid to say anything. Afraid that you didn't feel 
the same way."

"But I already told you how I felt, Scully," he reminded her.

"I know, and my heart wanted to believe but my head kept saying that 
you were under the influence of some pretty heavy drugs and I couldn't 
trust what you were saying."

She paused and took a shuddering breath."I let so many golden chances 
pass by, never telling you and then always beating myself up afterwards 
for being such a coward. Now, I'm afraid that it's too late. You're 
leaving me and you'll never, never know how much I love you." She was 
trembling now, nervous fingers playing with the fringed edges of the 
afghan.

Mulder settled himself next to her on the sofa, covering her hands 
with one of his own.  

"Scully, look at me," he said quietly. 

She lifted wet eyes to meet his.

"Scully, tell me the truth. Do you really mean it or are you just 
scared?"

Scully slid to the floor to kneel before him. She placed her hands on 
his knees and leaned close. "I've never been more sure of anything in 
my life. Mulder, I love you. I think maybe I've always loved you."

Mulder closed his eyes and shuddered. His whole body shook and he began 
rocking back and forth. Scully pushed his knees apart and gathered his 
trembling body in her arms. 

"I love you, Mulder. I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you. 
I'll tell you every day, if you'll let me," she whispered soothingly.

Mulder raised stunned eyes to meet hers. "Oh Jesus, Scully. I never 
thought I'd hear you say that. I love you, too Scully. So much."

Scully laughed and flung her arms around his neck. She pulled back and 
curled one hand behind his head. Her face serious now, she drew him 
toward her and shyly leaned in to taste him. Mulder quivered as her 
lips settled over his and soon his mouth was moving hungrily against 
hers. She broke away and pressed her lips to his cheek, whispering into 
his ear. "I love you."

He shivered as she moved her mouth to his jaw, biting down gently. Her 
movements were slow and a little unsure. He brought her mouth back to 
his, sucking softly on her lower lip and then sinking his teeth gently 
into it. "I've wanted you for so long, Scully. I can't believe this is 
really happening," he reassured her.

She smiled, charmed by his words and pressed her lips to his neck, her 
tongue darting out to taste the hollow of his throat. She could feel 
his groan vibrate against her lips. She ran her mouth down his throat 
until the open collar of his shirt stopped her. She moved her head back 
and lifted her hands to his chest. Her fingers fumbled with the first 
button and then suddenly it was open. She kissed his chest behind the 
confines of his shirt. The next button opened more easily and her lips 
slid down to cover another inch of newly revealed skin.  

Mulder's breath was coming in tiny pants now as he watched her journey 
down his chest. Open button, insert kiss. Finally all the buttons were 
open and Scully was tugging the hem of his shirt from the waistband of 
his pants. Spreading his shirt wide, she placed her hands against his 
chest and pushed him back against the sofa cushions. She looked up at 
him, again momentarily unsure of herself.

"Please," he breathed. "Don't stop."

Scully closed her lips over one of his nipples and he quivered again, 
his fingers gripping the afghan tightly. Her tongue darted out to trace 
a circle around the tiny nub and then she sucked once. Twice. Mulder 
cried out, his body arching toward her.

Scully resumed her mouth's journey down Mulder's torso and once again 
his clothing impeded her progress. Her fingers settled on his belt 
buckle and she quickly unfastened it. Mulder pulled her face back to 
his. He closed his mouth greedily over hers, his tongue plunging inside 
to taste her. She tried to wrap her arms around him, but Mulder pushed 
her body away, although he still held her mouth captive. His hands came 
up between them and he pushed her cardigan off her arms. His mouth 
clamped down on the pulse pounding in her neck and he tried pushing the 
straps of her tank-style sweater down her arms.  Breaking away in 
frustration, he grasped the hem of her sweater, pulled it over her head 
and quickly disposed of her white lacy bra. He filled his hands with 
her breasts, thumbs stroking over her nipples. Scully moaned and again 
pushed him into the sofa cushions.  

Determinedly, she went back to work on his pants, popping open the 
button and carefully lowering the zipper. She stopped, suddenly 
inexplicably nervous. Mulder's hips arched involuntarily. Taking firm 
hold of her determination, Scully pushed his pants down his legs, 
stopping to slip off his shoes and strip off his socks. Tossing his 
garments aside, she ran her hands up and down his thighs. He was 
straining against the gray cotton boxer-briefs he was wearing and 
Scully bent down to press her lips against him.  Mulder gasped and 
leaned forward over her, shuddering, fighting for control.

Scully hooked her fingers into the elastic band of his underwear and 
began to tug them down his legs. She bent down and gently bit his hip. 
She scraped her nails over his hair-roughened thighs and lowered her 
head to press a kiss to the tip of his quivering flesh. Mulder gasped 
as her warm breath fanned across him and then his breath caught in his 
throat as she closed her wet mouth around him. Her movements were a 
ittle awkward and he wondered if she had ever done this before. He 
stroked his hand over the shining cap of her hair.

"Scully, you don't have to..."

"No, I want to.  Will you show me?"

Mulder threaded his fingers loosely through her hair, cupping her cheek.  
She took him into her mouth again and Mulder gently guided her movements 
for a minute or two. She quickly learned the rhythm he liked and 
Mulder's hand fell away to once again clutch the afghan tangled up 
beneath him. Scully moaned and scrambled up higher on her knees, 
causing him to slip a little deeper into her mouth and Mulder gasped, 
almost losing control right then and there. He lifted his hand to her 
cheek again, this time forcing her mouth away from him.

"Stop...stop," he panted. He scooted to the edge of the sofa and pulled 
her to her feet. His fingers quickly unbuttoned her jeans and seconds 
later she was stepping out the stiff material as it pooled around her 
feet. Mulder leaned forward and buried his face in the scrap of lace 
that was her only clothing. He stood and cupped her face in his hands. 

"Kiss me," she pleaded and he kissed her fiercely. Ripping his mouth 
away, he turned and began to pull her along behind him to the bedroom. 
Scully was almost running to keep up with his long, impatient strides.

Mulder pushed her down onto the mattress and he crushed her body into 
the covers with his weight. Rolling partially off of her, his lips 
clamped down hungrily on her breast. His mouth moved wetly over her, 
licking, sucking, biting her flesh. She arched beneath him, her legs 
wrapping around his waist as she ground her hips into his. He twisted 
his fingers into her panties, tearing the lace from her body.

He rolled onto his back and Scully rose up above him. She swallowed 
hard and then bent down to take his mouth in a greedy kiss, ripping a 
moan from his throat.

Mulder slipped his hand between their bodies, his thumb flicking over 
her, testing her readiness, finding her wet and quivering.   

"Now?" he panted. Scully nodded and braced her hands on his shoulders 
as Mulder clutched her hips in his strong hands. He lifted her slightly 
and she reached between them to guide his flesh to hers. Biting her 
bottom lip, she lowered herself onto him, inch by aching inch. She 
squeezed her eyes shut as his body invaded hers, blowing out a breath 
when he was fully inside.

"Scully, look at me," he begged and she opened her eyes to meet his.  

"Alright?" he asked.

She nodded and pressed her hands against his shoulders, lowering her 
breasts to press against his chest, dreamily sucking on his bottom lip 
before rising back up above him.

"Okay," she reassured him and began to move over him, lifting up and 
then sliding back down. Her head was flung back and Mulder reared up 
to bury his mouth in her throat before rolling them over again. Now he 
pressed her hips into the mattress and began steadily stroking in and 
out of her body.  

"Mulder," she sobbed, locking her legs around his waist, arching her 
body and taking him ever deeper within. He plunged into her faster and 
faster and she was moaning, reaching for relief from the tension 
building within her.

Mulder slid one hand beneath her hips, lifting her into his thrusts and 
slipped the other hand into her damp curls, his fingers stroking her 
aching flesh.

"It's okay, Scully. Come on."

She slid her hands down to cup his ass and pull him deep. Mulder 
fastened his lips to her throat and began to suck the tender skin in 
rhythm with their pounding hips. Scully could feel the tension pooling 
in her belly and then suddenly it burst, waves of pleasure spreading 
throughout her.

She kept her arms and legs locked fiercely around him as he continued to 
labor above her. His breath was coming in harsh pants now and Scully 
lifted her lips to his ear.

"I love you, Mulder," she breathed and with a final thrust he came hot 
and wet inside her.

His trembling arms gave out and he collapsed, crushing her into the 
bed. He dragged his body off of hers, burying his face in her neck. 
They lay in a tangled heap, shivering as the sweat cooled on their 
bodies. Groaning weakly, she fumbled to drag the blankets from under 
them, grunting in triumph as she managed to wrestle the covers free. 
Mulder tugged on her until she was sprawled over his body to his 
satisfaction and then draped the blankets over both of them.

His fingers trailed lazily up and down her spine as they both drifted 
toward sleep.

"Mulder?" she asked, lifting her head to peer at him drowsily.

"Hmmm?"

"Those reservations in Florida - who were you planning on taking?"

"Well, I was still working on a way to trick you into going with me. 
How'd I do?"

She laughed and settled her cheek against his chest.

*******

Epilogue


Mulder stumbled sleepily onto the balcony and wrapped his arms around 
Scully's waist, slipping one hand inside her robe to stroke the soft 
skin of her belly and taking the mug of coffee from her hand. He took 
a long sip and handed it back to her, resting his chin on her shoulder.  
Scully reached back and tangled her fingers in his hair as he pressed 
his lips against her neck.

"Good morning," she sighed.

"Morning," he mumbled.

She turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest. "I can't 
believe we have to go back home tomorrow. Back to work. Back to real 
life."

"Yeah, but we're going back to our *new* life," he reminded her.

"Do you know that I love you?" she asked.

He dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose. "Yeah, I know." He drew her 
cheek back to his chest and cradled her close. "I know."

The End

I'd love to hear from you at tnv099@aol.com