Title:  The Story of My Life
By:  Tess
Email:  tnv099@aol.com
Rating:  NC-17
Website:  tessfiles.n3.net
Distribution:  Please let me know first
Spoilers:  Post-ep for The Truth
Keywords:  MSR
Content:  SAR
Disclaimer:  Characters herein are the sole property of 
Fox and 1013 Productions.  Song lyrics are from The 
Story of My Life by Neil Diamond


The Story of My Life
By:  Tess


"... and when it began I'd lie awake every night
Just knowing somewhere deep inside 
That our love affair just might write
The story of my life..."


I don't sleep.

In the last two years there have only been a handful of 
weeks when I was able to truly sleep.

Those were the nights when Mulder was sharing my bed in 
the short time we had after he had been returned to me 
before being cruelly forced away from my side again.

When Mulder was first taken from me, I could not sleep.  
Nightmares haunted me with visions of terrible 
experiments being performed on his poor body, of him in 
agonizing pain, calling my name.

Too often, my sleep was interrupted by the knowledge 
that he was gone and that I could not find him.  
Protect him.  Save him.  

Guilt kept me awake... why did I let him go back to 
Oregon without me?

Morning sickness drove me from my empty bed to collapse 
onto the cold tile of the bathroom floor in misery.  
And our child's rolling gymnastics in my womb reminded 
me of his father's nocturnal habits.

Then for a short while, Mulder was back.  Enveloped in 
his arms, my nose buried in the hollow of his throat, 
his fingers trailing a path up and down my spine while 
my swollen belly rested against his side, I was finally 
able to sleep.

All too soon, he was gone again.  I sent him away to 
protect him.  How could I know it would nearly destroy 
us?

While he was gone, I would lie awake, trying to imagine 
where he might be.  Wondering if he was thinking about 
us, missing us.  Listening in the dark for sounds that 
would signal a threat to our child.  Each night I would 
fall into an uneasy sleep only to be awakened by the 
sound of the baby's fretful, hungry whimpers.

And of late, it was the deafening sound of silence that 
stole the refuge of sleep away.  The gurgling laughter 
of our child was swept from my life by my own hand.  A 
self-inflicted wound that showed no sign of healing.  
My child was gone and my heartbreak knew no end.  

Until a few short days ago.  Until Mulder came back to 
me.  He cupped my face in his hands and his lips moved 
with ravenous fervor over mine.  I kept my eyes open 
during that kiss.  It wasn't until he curled his arms 
around me and nuzzled his face into my neck that I 
allowed my eyes to slide closed in remembered pleasure.  
His kisses excite and seduce me... but it was with the 
full press of my body against the length of his that I 
felt that first tiny fissure begin to close.

What kind of woman am I... what kind of mother am I, 
that I can find pleasure and the first tingling of 
rejuvenated happiness simply because I have Mulder 
back?  I had sent Mulder away with the promise that I 
would protect his son and that we would be waiting for 
him when he returned.  It seems unforgivable to me that 
mere seconds after I confessed my ultimate failure as a 
parent to him I could laugh through my tears simply 
because his face was buried against my neck.

I tell myself that I have no right to the blissful 
pleasure that curls around my heart at the rumbling 
sound of Mulder's voice in my ear.  I miss my baby with 
every beat of my heart... but there is a voice that 
whispers the truth in my brain.  That knowing William 
is safe I will survive the separation from him... but 
that my heart would stop beating if I were permanently 
separated from Mulder.

I am more dead than alive when I am parted from this 
man.  More than the air that I breathe or the food that 
I eat, he is vital to my existence.  Everything that I 
am... every thought that I have, every breath that I 
take is bound in his continued presence in my life.  

I can survive any loss but the loss of him.

****** 

I don't sleep.

Instead, I watch Mulder's lashes flutter as his mind is 
filled with dreams. I savor every moist exhalation of 
his breath against my skin; cherish the steady thumping 
of his heart and the rise and fall of his chest beneath 
my hand.  

I nestle my cheek into the pillow and study his face, 
so close to mine.  He looks older.  Tired.  His face is 
bruised and cut from his mistreatment at the hands of 
the soldiers who had held him prisoner.  His cheekbones 
stand out in prominent relief.  Our separation has not 
only left its mark on me.

As if to belie the thinness of his face, his body is 
more leanly muscled and toned than it was before he 
left.  I wonder if he spent the weeks and months of our 
separation exorcising his loneliness with long runs and 
workouts.

His sleep is fitful and uneasy and he murmurs my name.  
I cannot resist and I nuzzle his mouth with mine.  He 
shifts and his lips part to sleepily return my kiss.  
His eyes blink open and in the watery-gray light that 
filters through the blinds, he stares at me.

"G'morning."  His voice is an early morning rasp of 
sound.  

"Shh."  I stroke my thumb over his cheek.  "Go back to 
sleep," I urge softly. 

He shakes his head against the pillow.  "Can't."  He 
buries his face against my throat and takes a delicate 
bite of my flesh between his teeth.  "I've been 
dreaming about waking up beside you for so many months 
now," he mumbles against my throat.  "The real thing is 
better than my dreams."

A smile tugs at my lips and he pulls away to rest his 
cheek on the pillow.  We stare at each other, our eyes 
hungrily devouring every detail of the other's face.  
Long moments pass and we are content to simply be 
together again.

"What are we going to do now?" I am reluctant to break 
the comfortable silence, but I know that we cannot stay 
in the cocoon of this motel room forever.

"We follow the plan."  His right shoulder lifts in a 
shrug and I sigh in weary resignation.  Thanks to our 
ever-growing paranoia, we had cash, credit cards and 
false identifications safely stored in various places 
around the country.  A day's drive would take us to a 
safety deposit box and a new life.  Until then, we 
would get by on the money and clothing that I had 
managed to stuff into a small bag before racing off to 
meet Mulder in the middle of the night.

I close my eyes at the realization that we are now well 
and truly fugitives.  We cannot return home.  My 
apartment with all of its memories of William - the 
photo albums and the tiny clothes I could not bring 
myself to give away - is forever lost to me now.  
Carefully packed in the bottom of my suitcase are the 
last tangible links to William.  The only photograph I 
have of the three of us together, taken by my mother 
the night before Mulder left.  A silky reddish-brown 
curl clipped from William's head minutes before I 
handed him over to the social worker and his birth 
certificate.  Name:  William Mulder.  Mother's name:  
Dana Katherine Scully.  Father's name:  Fox William 
Mulder.  Legal.  Validated by the State of Georgia.  
Proof undeniable that he was... that he IS ours.  Now 
and forever.

I whisper our baby's name and fight against the tears 
that clog my throat as Mulder gathers me in his arms.  
His big hands massage my back as my body quakes with 
silent sobs.

"I'm sorry."  I whisper it over and over again as my 
tears soak through the thin cotton of his shirt.  His 
voice is a soft murmur of sound as he reassures me of 
his love.

"Don't apologize," he says quietly.  His fingers tunnel 
into my hair and he tilts my head back to see my face.  
"You gave him up to protect him.  It was the greatest 
act of love..." His voice breaks and a tear slips from 
beneath his lashes.  "How can I fault you for your 
courage?"  

I shake my head in denial of his words.  "No, Mulder.  
You don't understand..." I can't explain it, but I know 
that I have no right to his praise or the adoration 
that shines from his eyes.  

"If I had just waited a few more weeks..." There it is.  
The thing that has haunted me since I first learned of 
Mulder's return.  If only I hadn't been so quick to 
give William away, Mulder could have been reunited with 
his son.  Together we could have...


"No."  He's shaking his head and his voice is vehement 
despite his low tone.  "You can't think like that.  We 
can't live our lives playing the 'what-if' game.  My 
return might have jeopardized William even more... 
there's no way to know."

I scrub my hands against my cheeks and shake my head.  
Mulder smoothes the hair away from my forehead and 
presses his lips against my temple. 

"Maybe..." his voice trails off for a moment and then 
strengthens again.  "Maybe we weren't meant to raise 
him," he whispers.  Another sob wracks my body and his 
hand skims over my back to steady me. 

I slide my hand behind his head and pull his face 
toward me.

"Make love with me," I beg against his lips.  "I need 
you to make love with me... to fill me.  Please."  I 
bicycle my feet beneath the sheets, kicking the covers 
away.  "I need you to make me feel alive again."

His eyes darken and a flush rises on his cheeks as he 
nods.  Frantic fingers begin tearing at the clothes 
that keep us separated.  His hands tug at the stubborn 
knot on the sash of my robe, while I push and shove his 
T-shirt over his head.  I grapple with the metal button 
on his jeans and in my eagerness to get to the flesh 
hidden beneath the heavy denim I hurriedly tear the 
zipper down its track.  Mulder sucks in a breath as the 
zipper scrapes over his erection rising beneath my 
hands.  

"Sorry," I mumble and push his jeans down his thighs.  
When my fingers curl into the elastic waistband of his 
briefs to send them the way of his jeans, his hands 
close over mine, staying my frantic movements.

"I'll do that."  His lips curve upward in a rueful 
smile as he carefully eases the plain white briefs over 
his hips.  His penis springs free and I reach with 
eager hands to fondle that which has been denied me for 
so long.  At the first touch of my hands on his hot 
skin, a shudder wracks his long frame and a hoarse cry 
escapes his lips.

"God!"

I smile at the impassioned cry and roll onto my back, 
urging him with my hands to follow.  There is no need 
for any other preliminaries.  Our bodies have been 
ready for each other with a ferocious hunger from the 
moment we first embraced in that jail cell and we 
cannot wait another moment to consume one another.  My 
thighs fall open and Mulder's body settles between 
them. I can feel him nudging against me and I arch my 
back to accommodate him.  My need for him is a living 
thing, pounding in my head, throbbing between my legs.  
He braces himself above me on his forearms and I drag 
my nails down his back.  Curving my hands over his 
hips, I pull him closer.

My eyes close in silent ecstasy as he pushes forward, 
his body penetrating mine.  A quiver races down my 
spine as my flesh stretches to accept the invasion of 
his... until I am filled.  Complete.  His hips flex 
beneath my hands and he draws back only to stroke 
forward again.   I squirm beneath him and wrap my legs 
around his waist.  I hold my breath, eager for the 
exquisite sensation of the next thrust of his body into 
mine when he stops.  His muscles go rigid and tension 
wires his body.  I open my eyes.

"Don't stop."  I lock my ankles and use my heels to try 
to push him deeper.  Sweat dots his forehead and 
darkens his hair and he shakes his head.

"We can't."  The words rasp from his throat and he 
drops his head onto my shoulder in defeat.  His hips 
move again, only this time he is pulling away from my 
body.  I tighten my legs around him, impeding his 
withdrawal and punch my fist weakly against his back.

"Why are you stopping?" 

He lifts his head from my shoulder.  "We don't have any 
protection."  

I swallow hard and an image of my body, ripe with his 
child, fills my mind and my inner muscles automatically 
tighten around him to hold him deep as my womb 
instinctively contracts.  A moment later, my legs slide 
from his waist to fall limply onto the mattress beneath 
me as yet one more thing is taken from us.

I turn my head.  "You could pull out..." I suggest 
desperately.  I see the battle he wages with temptation 
on his face and for a moment, I think he will succumb.

"That never works."  

My hips fall back toward the mattress as he slips away 
from me and despite the warmth of his body so 
intimately pressed against mine, I am cold.  Bereft.

"Hey."  He catches my chin between thumb and forefinger 
and turns my face to his.  "There are other ways," he 
reminds me.  I nod jerkily and my gaze lowers to his 
chest.  

"I can run out..." Mulder offers.  "Maybe there's a 
twenty-four hour pharmacy around." He shifts his weight 
onto one hip and I clutch his arm between my hands, 
stilling his movement.  I know that he's right.  I know 
that there are other ways.  But... it isn't merely 
release that I seek.  I want... I need to merge my body 
with his.  I need him to possess me - to fill me.  I am 
hollow.  Empty.  And I don't believe that God would 
grace me with another miracle when I so carelessly gave 
away the first one.

I look up from my study of his chest and either I've 
given voice to my thoughts or he can read them in my 
eyes.  "Oh, sweetheart."  The unfamiliar endearment 
rolls easily off his tongue as he cups my face in his 
palm.  His thumb traces a path over my cheekbone.  

"Don't you know?" he asks.  "Don't you know that I've 
spent the last year dreaming about being with you 
again?  That I want nothing more than to bury myself 
inside of you?  Do you think that I haven't spent night 
after night remembering what it's like to sink into 
you?  To have you wrapped around me?  Remembering what 
it feels like to lose myself in you?"

His eyes are dark, their expression fierce.  The love 
that radiates from him is nearly overwhelming in its 
intensity and I want it to consume me.  My hands stroke 
over the damp skin of his back and though my words are 
whisper-soft, they reverberate in the small space 
between our faces.

"I love you."

His smile is radiant and my lips cannot help but curve 
upward in response before his mouth covers mine.  His 
lips are warm and mobile - nibbling, sucking, nudging.  
He nips the corner of my mouth with his teeth and I 
respond by parting my lips for him.  His tongue darts 
out and curls around mine teasingly before quickly 
retreating and I willingly follow where he leads.  My 
hands tunnel into his hair and I dive into the kiss, my 
tongue plunging into his mouth to wrestle control away 
from him.  We break apart and drag panting breaths into 
our lungs.  

Pure lust zings through my veins, reawakening a long 
dormant appetite for the pleasures that can be found at 
Mulder's hands.  I lean against the pillows as he 
lowers his head to my breast.  His mouth rolls over my 
skin and he draws the tight nipple between his lips.  
His touch is gentle at first; tongue laving over the 
sensitive peak in tender strokes until I am melting in 
a boneless heap into the rumpled sheets beneath me.  My 
fingers comb through his hair and I moan his name.  His 
mouths leaves me and he purses his lips to blow a 
stream of cool air over the heated tip of my breast and 
before I have a chance to absorb this new sensation, 
his touch changes again.  Once more he draws my breast 
into his mouth - sucking and biting; he is feral as he 
claims me and marks me as his.

His hands and mouth trace a glistening, bewitching 
trail down my torso and I am slipping into a blissful 
haze of pleasure.  His teeth scrape over the soft skin 
of my stomach as he follows a downward path.  And I 
want it.  I want that intimate, soulful kiss.  I know 
that with it, I will only be seconds away from release.

But I don't want to be alone.  I've been alone for most 
of my life - finding pleasure at my own hands.  But 
with Mulder... I know now what it is to mate - to find 
the other half of me.  And while I am more than willing 
to have him drive me to the shivering peak of orgasm... 
this time, I want to take him with me.

My fingers are still knotted in his hair and I tug 
gently.  He rests his cheek against my stomach and 
looks at me questioningly.  

"Not like that," I whisper.  I crook a finger to beckon 
him closer and my hands pull at his shoulders and 
though he nods in agreement, he resists my tugging 
hands long enough to steal a taste of the swollen flesh 
between my legs.

"Oh!" An arrow of sensation pierces through me and I 
scramble away from his seeking, taunting mouth.

"You're cheating," I accuse.  My breasts are heaving 
with each hitching gasp of air that escapes me.  Mulder 
stalks me, crawling up the bed toward me and I press my 
back against the headboard.  He pounces and drags me 
down onto the mattress, his mouth latching onto my 
breast and vigorously drawing the nipple between his 
lips.

Even as my vision blurs with pleasure I am determined 
not to be outdone.  My hands tighten on his shoulders 
and I push him onto his back.  He looks up at me 
through heavy-lidded eyes and I sit back on my heels to 
ponder my first move.  Mulder reaches out with one hand 
to fondle the heavy swell of my breast but otherwise 
lies passively before me.  My eyes roam over his leanly 
toned body.  One corner of my mind takes note of the 
fading bruises that cover his arms and chest and 
although I do not want to focus on sad things at the 
moment, I am helpless to stop myself from tracing my 
lips over the largest discoloration that spreads across 
his hip and stomach.

I dip my tongue into his navel and my hair trails over 
his chest and stomach as I move lower.  Mulder's 
fingers sift through my hair and the casual way he 
plays with the tips of it belies the sudden tension 
that pulls his stomach and thighs taut.

I curl my hand around his rigid length and swirl my 
tongue over the silken skin on the head of his penis.  
My tongue laves a loving path over his flesh and his 
fingers clamp over my thigh as he tries to pull me into 
a position where he can reach me.

I lift my head and the look on his face is feral.  
Demanding.  I am tempted.  Oh, so tempted.  I remember 
well what it is like to bring each other to a trembling 
release with our mouths.  But not tonight... If he 
can't sink into my body tonight, then I want to be able 
to drown in his eyes.  I want to be tangled in his arms 
and I want him to be wrapped in my embrace when we come 
to a quivering orgasm.

I want to be together.

Our bodies curl around one another.  I softly bite his 
chest with my teeth and close my mouth over his nipple 
to suckle it between my lips.  He runs his hands over 
my back and curls them under my buttocks, pressing me 
close.  I lift one thigh over his waist and we grind 
together for several long, pleasure-filled moments.  

Our mouths are busy.  Nipping.  Teasing.  Licking.  Our 
hands are never still.  Caressing.  Claiming.  
Inciting. Arousing.  Mulder growls low in his throat 
and grips my hair in his fists to hold my face still.  
His mouth covers mine and his tongue darts between my 
lips.  We duel for control of the kiss and I hum with 
delight.

Mulder's mouth breaks free and he buries his lips in 
the hollow of my throat.  I tilt my head back and hum 
again and I feel his mouth curve over my skin in a 
smile as that small sound of bliss vibrates against his 
mouth.

"Mulder."  I skim the damp hair away from his temple 
and call his name.  He rests his cheek on my pillow and 
his entire body quivers as my hand maps a languid path 
down his chest to curl around his swollen length.  He 
hitches my leg higher over his waist and dips his 
fingers into my hot, wet flesh.  His fingers plunge 
deep and my hand matches him stroke for rhythmic 
stroke.

Our bodies rock together.  We rise and fall; gasp and 
moan.  We seduce one another with hands and lips; our 
voices fill the air between us with whispers of forever 
as we drive each other closer and closer to the brink.

And then he is bucking against me and I fling my arms 
around his neck, trapping his rigid flesh between our 
slick bodies.  His fingers falter for a moment before 
regaining his rhythm.  His thumb flicks against me as 
his fingers thrust deep and I bury my face in his 
throat, whimpering mindless vows of undying love.  

Every muscle in my body tingles as my orgasm tears 
through me.  Mulder is still grinding against me, 
seeking his own release; his breath is a ragged whistle 
in my ear.  I wriggle a hand between us and enfold him 
in my fingers.  My hand moves over him in long, fast 
strokes and his eyes close in mounting ecstasy.  He 
surges into my hand once... twice and then he comes, 
pulsing against my stomach and invoking my name in a 
low roar.

Hearts pounding, we collapse into the sweat-soaked 
sheets and struggle to catch our breath.  Mulder lifts 
his head from my breast with a mighty effort and his 
lips rub against mine in a long, wet kiss.

"I love you, Scully."  My heart swells and I am filled 
with him.

************** 

Mulder is asleep.  His body is spooned behind mine, his 
fingers splayed low over my stomach.  I turn in his 
arms and he grumbles softly before settling against my 
shoulder and sinking back into a deep sleep.  I massage 
my fingers against his scalp and I think of all that we 
have been through, together and apart.

I remember his words from earlier tonight.  "Maybe we 
weren't meant to raise him."  My heart clenches in an 
instinctive denial of that thought.  But maybe Mulder 
is right.  If William truly is meant for greater things 
in this world... perhaps it is enough that we should 
make sure that there is a world left for him to grow up 
into.  

A tiny smile crosses my lips as Mulder's arms tighten 
around me in his sleep.  Ours is a story of sacrifice 
and pain.  Of betrayal and loss.

And it is the story of the greatest of loves.

I roll my head toward him and press a kiss against his 
damp hair.

And I sleep.

The End

"The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same 
And the story's still the truth"


Special thanks to Rose, Char, Rafferty and Aly for 
their beta and opinions throughout the course of 
writing this story.

You can find all of my stories at the fantastic website 
that AlyC has created for me at:  tessfiles.n3.net

I haven't written a post-ep in sooo long!  I'd love to 
hear from you at tnv099@aol.com