Title: This Nearly Was Mine
Author: Tess
E-mail: tnv099@aol.com
Date: April 2000
Spoilers: Starting with FTF and through Amor Fati
Rated: I think it's a G.  But give it a try anyway, huh?
Content: SAR
Keywords: UST; Implied RST
Disclaimer: CC, 1013 and Fox are the proud owners of the characters and 
some of the events and even some of the "dialogue" mentioned herein. I 
am not. They do this for profit. I do not. Song belongs to Rodgers and 
Hammerstein.
Summary: Mulder reflects on how certain moments have brought them full 
circle to the same place their relationship almost changed the first 
time and decides it's time to break the cycle.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Kira, SueBee and EvieLouise for taking an 
early look and giving me their suggestions. Special thanks to Char for 
her beta and wonderful words of encouragement.

This Nearly Was Mine

One dream in my heart
One love to be living for
One love to be living for
This nearly was mine
One girl for my dream
One partner in paradise
This promise of paradise
This nearly was mine
Close to my heart she came
Only to fly away
Only to fly as day flies from moonlight
Now, now I'm alone
Still dreaming of paradise
Still saying that paradise
Once nearly was mine

   Rodgers and Hammerstein - South Pacific


This Nearly Was Mine
By:  Tess


She was walking away, leaving me for good this time. I knew I had to 
stop her; that I couldn't let her walk out of my life. As the words 
spilled out of my mouth, I was terrified of what she would say or do, 
but I was more terrified of what would happen if I didn't tell her.

And then the unbelievable happened. A tiny smile crossed her lips as 
tears spilled down her cheeks. Instead of moving away, she stepped 
closer, wrapping her arms around me. I cradled her sweet face in my 
hands, my eyes drifting closed as her lips brushed mine...

As I chased her to Antarctica, I couldn't stop thinking that I had come 
so close. That paradise had been offered to me and then was ripped from 
my arms with the sting of a bee.

We returned to our lives and our work in Washington and I've spent the 
better part of the last 16 months trying to get back what once was 
nearly mine.

The X-Files were lost to us, seemingly for good. I was angry at the 
world. My life's work torn from me and I was stuck on some godforsaken 
fertilizer detail. I was angry at Scully for not believing what we had
encountered in that icy hellhole; for not backing me up before the 
panel of FBI directors. I was angry that she didn't believe me when I 
said Diana was on our side; angry that she would throw trust in my face, 
seeming to challenge me to make a choice. Mostly, I was angry with her 
because she never mentioned what had happened in the hallway outside of 
my apartment.

The weeks drifted past. We worked well together and Scully charmed me, 
as she became openly defiant of our new boss; however, our personal 
relationship remained strained as we tiptoed around each other.


In late November, I decided to take a little trip to the islands. 
Bermuda to be exact. When I awoke in the hospital, she was there, 
leaning over my bed. An image flashed before my eyes. God, she was so 
beautiful! I couldn't help myself and I pulled her closer, kissing her 
fiercely. That kiss seemed so real. I still believe it was real. Lying 
in that hospital bed, I told her everything that had happened, how she 
had saved the world, and then I told her I loved her. She had rolled 
her eyes and walked away saying "oh brother" but her voice was 
affectionate, indulgent and, I thought, carried a note of longing.

I woke again in the middle of the night to find her standing next to me.  
She had lowered the bedrail and her fingers were sifting gently through 
my hair.

"Scully?" I was groggy and half-awake, wondering if I was dreaming. 
Wondering if everything had been a dream.

"Shh. Go back to sleep," she whispered, her stroking fingers soothing 
me.

This was the first time she had been openly affectionate with me since 
our return to Washington last summer and I reveled in it, nestling my 
face in her midriff and tumbling back into sleep in the safety of her 
care.

I think that things got a little easier between us after that. Scully 
continued to sneak off with me to investigate X-Files at great risk to 
both of our careers. She indulged me by following me out to Nevada and 
we drove to Area 51, looking for proof of extra-terrestrial existence.

"Don't you ever just want to stop? Get out of the damn car? Settle down 
and live something approaching a normal life?" Her voice was sad, 
incredulous and wistful.

"This *is* a normal life," I replied. My tone indicated sarcasm, but 
the truth was that I was happy to have her beside me. One of the perks 
of this job is the amount of time I spend traveling alone with Scully 
as my captive audience.

Fall faded into winter and I 'persuaded' Scully to spend Christmas Eve 
with me on the pretense of investigating a haunted house. Of course, 
the house turned out to actually be haunted...

But Scully and I learned some things about ourselves that night and 
after she showed up at my door and we exchanged presents, we stayed up 
through most of the night; sometimes talking, sometimes sitting in 
companionable silence. Scully missed her 6:00 a.m. family roll call 
under the tree and instead helped me put together a reasonable 
facsimile of a Christmas breakfast, which we shared before she left.  

"Tell your mother I said hello and that I'm sorry for making you late," 
I said standing by my door.

"I'll tell her you said hello. Merry Christmas, Mulder." Scully brushed 
her lips across my cheek and took a step back. I made a production of 
looking closely at the doorframe over my head.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, um...looking for the mistletoe," I grinned.

She groaned and turned toward the elevator, but not before I caught a 
glimpse of her smile. That smile was a better gift than anything she 
could have bought for me.

Babysteps. Tiny steps back to reestablishing our friendship and, I 
hoped, tiny steps toward moving our relationship to the next level.

Nearly a month later, I awoke in yet another hospital to the feel of 
Scully's fingers playing with my hair. Only this time, it was she who 
was bedridden...  

I had Ritter slammed up against the wall and was about ready to kill 
him when I saw Scully being wheeled out of the emergency room and up 
to surgery. I tore myself away from the security guard that was trying 
to pull me off of Ritter and I ran to the gurney carrying Scully.

"Scully?"

Her lashes fluttered opened and she smiled weakly, eyes fever bright, 
holding out her hand. I clasped it in my own and ran alongside the 
gurney as we raced up to surgery. We stopped for a moment outside of 
the O.R. and the nurses told me I would have to stay in the waiting 
room.

"Scully," I whispered brokenly, pressing my lips against the back of her 
hand. She turned her hand over and cupped my cheek, her thumb smoothing 
over my lips.

She nodded reassuringly. "Soon, Mulder. I'll see you soon."

I had fallen asleep with my head pillowed on the mattress of her 
hospital bed.

"You should go to your hotel and get some sleep," she rasped as she hit 
the controls to raise the bed into a sitting position.

"I'm not leaving you alone," I had told her. "Look at what happens when 
I'm not with you."

"Well in that case..." She tugged me closer, urging me to sit down on 
the bed with her. I sat on the mattress gingerly, sliding one arm behind 
her neck and clasping her hand in my other. I rested my cheek against 
her hair and she rolled her head toward me, relaxing into a healing 
sleep.

Babysteps.

In February it all came crashing down around us.

A long running fantasy of mine has always been taking a shower with 
Scully. I never imagined it would be in a decon shower. She was 
humiliated by the treatment we received and the fact that Diana was the 
one to order us into the decontamination room did nothing to change 
Scully's dislike or mistrust of her.

When Diana came to offer her apologies and debrief us, Scully was 
bitter and strident in her demands to see Cassandra. As the days wore 
on, I became angry at what I perceived to be her lack of trust in my 
opinions and me. She went behind my back to gather information on 
Diana's activities and this time I was humiliated as she confronted me 
in front of the Lone Gunmen.

"Because without the FBI, personal interest is all that I have. And if 
you take that away, there is no reason to continue."

I watched in disbelief as she walked out on me for the second time in 
less than a year. Only that time, I didn't run after her.

I honestly didn't know what she expected of me. Did she want me to 
forget everything I believed to be true of Diana just because Scully 
didn't trust her?  

I went to Diana's apartment looking for proof. I could pretend that I 
went looking for proof of her guilt but I'd be lying. In truth, I went 
to gather evidence to show Scully that she'd been wrong about Diana all 
along.

When it was all over; when we found those burned bodies at the air 
force base; when we sat in Kersh's office trying to explain the 
unexplainable; when Scully defended me, telling Kersh not to bet 
against me, I suddenly knew what it was that Scully expected of me. She 
hadn't been asking me to make a choice. In Scully's eyes, there should 
have been no choice to be made.

For years Scully had traveled by my side; rarely believing in the same 
things as I, yet always she stood by me. If I believed everything that 
I said to her that day in the hallway of my apartment building; if her 
science has kept me honest; if she makes me a whole person; if I owe her 
everything, then how could I dismiss her fears out of hand? I realized 
that day that I didn't have to believe everything that Scully suspected 
about Diana, but that I owed it to her to acknowledge her right to those 
suspicions. I understood with a flash of insight that by mocking her 
concerns, I had made her question her place in my life and my loyalty 
to her.

I had always assumed that Scully knew that I was bound to her - heart 
and soul. I thought she knew that no one could take her place in my life. 
I didn't realize how tenuous were the threads that bound us together.

By the time the meeting with Kersh and Skinner was over, we had been 
reassigned to the X-Files. And as I looked down into my partner's sad 
eyes, any joy I might have felt at reacquiring the files was 
extinguished. A chasm had opened between us and I didn't know how to 
bridge it.

I tried flirting. I tried humor. I invaded her personal space 
constantly. When we were given the undercover assignment as a married 
couple in California, I tried a combination of all three. I took every 
chance afforded me to touch her. I wrapped my arms around her. I called 
her pet names. I posed seductively (I thought) on the bed in the master 
bedroom and playfully patted the mattress next to me. For a second, I 
thought I saw her face soften behind that horrible green facial mask, 
but then I called her Laura and the moment was gone.

Still, that she would consider, even for a split second the possibility 
of sharing a bed with me, left me with a seed of hope. A few weeks 
later, I thought I saw a flash of jealousy when Scully encountered 
Karin Berquist and the seed flourished and grew.
In April a near tragedy pushed us closer to each other than ever before.  
'Agent Scully is already in love. Agent Scully is already in love.' I
repeated the words like a mantra. After the police had taken Padgett's 
body and our statements, I carried her into my bedroom, helping her 
strip out of her bloody clothes. I brought a basin of warm water and a 
washcloth and I tenderly wiped away all traces of her blood. Scully 
meekly accepted my ministrations and after I bundled her into an old 
sweatshirt of mine, she had allowed me to guide her under the covers.  

"Try to get some sleep," I said as I smoothed the hair back from her 
face.

"Stay," she asked.

That night she slept nestled in my embrace. I awoke early in the morning 
to find her sprawled limply, trustingly, *contentedly* over my body.

We were on our way.

It was under the guise of teaching Scully to play baseball that I 
decided to further explore her acceptance of the physical side of our 
relationship. I wrapped her in my arms and rubbed my roughened cheek 
against the softness of hers as I whispered instructions in her ear. 
She smiled and laughed as we swung at ball after ball. She relied on me 
to steady her as her tiny body lifted off the ground with the force of 
each swing of the bat. At the end of the evening, I paid off the kid 
pitching to us and we collected all of the balls from the field. When 
we reached her car, she boosted herself up onto the hood, reluctant for 
the night to end. She unconsciously splayed her legs wide, allowing me 
to move in closer and stand between them. We stayed that way, talking 
about anything and everything for a couple of hours before finally 
calling it a night. I leaned into her open car window as she started 
the engine and she brushed her lips against mine.

"Thank you for my birthday present, Mulder."  

I had hoped to spend the summer teaching her more about baseball and in 
the process learning more about us. But as always fate conspired to 
intervene and we were torn apart yet again. And as I sat in my padded 
cell, I clung to the threads of my sanity, whispering Scully's name.

She stands before me now, in that same hallway where this journey began 
so many months ago. Just like last time, tears tremble on her lashes as 
her beliefs are shaken to the core again. And just like last time, I 
draw her into my arms, using my touch and words to reassure, to comfort, 
to define who and what she is to me.  

With a wobbly smile, a press of her lips to my forehead and the glancing 
touch of her fingers to my mouth she thanks me and turns to leave. I 
close my eyes and listen to the rhythmic tapping of her heels and in a 
flash I remember her leaning over my hospital bed, begging me to hold on 
for her, to her. I can feel her love wash over me and I open my eyes to 
see her finger stab at the elevator call button.

I decide to take back what once nearly was mine and to offer to her what 
has always been hers for the asking.

I stride down the hallway after her and clamp one hand down on her 
shoulder. She spins around, a question in her eyes. I crowd her against 
the wall and cup her face in my hands. She searches my eyes for a moment 
and then stretches up on her toes to meet my descending mouth. Our lips 
meet and cling. I want more. Breaking off our kiss, I take one step back 
and hold out my hand. Scully's eyes drift open and she presses trembling 
fingers to her mouth. Her gaze drops to my outstretched hand and she 
draws in a shaky breath before linking her fingers with mine. I walk 
backwards, leading her toward my apartment.

It's time we moved this out of the hallway.

The End

My worry with this one was that it comes across as too much of a 
synopsis of Season 6, but the gang that read it first seemed to like it 
anyway. I'd love to know what you thought too.

Feedback please at tnv099@aol.com