Title:  To Love Somebody
By:  Tess and Char Chaffin
Category:  Mulder/Other, Mulder/Scully
Rating:  R to NC-17
Spoilers:  "Never Again", "Irresistible", "Gethsemane", "Redux I and
II", and other spots during season 4 and 5

Disclaimers:  Ours to play with, ours to love - not ours to profit
from!

Author's Notes:  At the end!
Feeback:  you know we'd adore it!
Tnv099@aol.com and char@chaffin.com

Summary:   In the midst of attempting to have a normal romance,
Mulder's escalating feelings for Scully, and her deteriorating health
due to her advancing cancer, make it impossible for him to commit...


~ Chapter Seven ~

Realizing I was in love with Mulder didn't mean that he didn't
still have the ability to drive me crazy.  The ringing phone in the
pre-dawn hours had startled me out of a deep sleep.  I was in a panic
as I called the airline and booked myself on the next flight.  I
pulled on a pair of white jeans and shrugged into a blazer as I
grabbed my keys and ran out of my apartment.

What the hell was Mulder doing in Rhode Island? I had wondered this
for what had to be the hundredth time as I squinted at the map I'd
picked up at the car rental counter.  Had he and Lillian gone away
for the weekend together?  That thought brought with it a flare of
jealousy that I hastily sought to shrug off.  I had been the one to
bring a halt to our embrace a few weeks ago.  I had sent him back
home to Lillian.  I blinked back an unwelcome tear as I reminded
myself that it was for the best.  I had more pressing matters on my
mind at the moment, namely why Mulder was holed up in a motel in
Rhode Island. Why hadn't he told me where he was going?

The truth was that Mulder and I had been very awkward around each
other ever since the kisses we shared in my kitchen.  I didn't know
what had been going through his mind after that morning, but I know
that my emotions had been off-kilter ever since.  I jumped wildly
from silly daydreams centered around the memory of his mouth on my
breasts - to jealousy at the thought of him doing the same thing with
Lillian - to a deep, black anger.  Of late, that had been the most
overwhelming emotion.  I was angry at the world.  Angry at my cancer;
angry with my doctors for not being able to find a way to save me;
angry that I had realized I was in love with Mulder at a time when
there was no hope for us; angry with Mulder for kissing me and
touching me and confusing me.  What did he feel for me?  Love? 
Pity?  

When we returned home from Rhode Island, my anger soared to new
heights.  Now that Mulder was safe, the reality of what he'd done
scared me to death.  Allowing someone to drill a hole in his head and
then drug him... what had he been thinking?

Trembling, I picked up the phone to call him.  

"Are you alone?" I asked when he answered the phone.  His voice was
groggy and I knew I had awakened him.  At the sound of my voice,
he was instantly alert.

"Scully?  What's wrong?"  I could hear the sheets rustle as he sat
up in bed.  I was hoping he was alone, but even if Lillian was there,
I was determined to speak with him.

"I'm fine, Mulder," I told him.  "I just wanted to talk to you."  I
tucked the phone under my chin and yanked a sweater from the back of
my sofa on my way out of my apartment.  "I'm coming over," I warned
him.

"Scully, wait!" Mulder said, confusion evident in his voice.  "Why
are you coming over to my apartment at - " There was a pause and I
pictured him squinting at the glowing red numbers of the digital
clock next to his bed. "Two o'clock in the morning?" he finished. 
"Are you sure you're okay?"  I could hear the mounting concern
in the tone of his voice.  "Maybe I should come over to your place
instead," he suggested.  

I was shaking my head as I slid the key into the lock of my car
door.  "Mulder, I'm already on my way," I told him.  There was no
need for him to know I was still parked outside of my building. 
I didn't want to have this conversation at my apartment surrounded by
pill bottles and thermometers and all of the other paraphernalia of
the sick.  I was still enjoying a longer than usual spell of good
health and I wanted Mulder to see me as the strong woman who had been
his partner for almost five years.

He had obviously been watching the window for my arrival because he
opened his apartment door just as I was stepping out of the elevator.
He held the door wide open and I slipped under his arm.  He closed
the door and turned to face me.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked.  I shook my head and saw
the way his eyes searched my face for some clue as to why I had
felt it necessary to wake him up and drive all the way over to his
apartment in the middle of the night.  Face-to-face with him, I
wasn't quite sure how to begin.

"No, thank you," I said as I slowly pulled my sweater off.  I sat
down on the sofa, perched on the edge of the leather cushion and
smoothed an imaginary wrinkle from the soft cotton of the sweater
draped across my knees.  "Is Lillian here?" I asked again, stalling
as I looked up at him.

Mulder dropped down onto the other end of the sofa and rubbed his
hands over his face.  "I know you didn't drive all the way over here
at two AM just to find out whether or not Lillian is here," he said
tiredly as he rolled his head against the back of the sofa to face me.

I sighed and nodded.  "No," I said quietly.  "I didn't."  He was
watching me with an expectant look on his face and I took a deep
breath.  "Why did you go to Rhode Island without telling me?" I asked
point-blank.  Mulder closed his eyes and shook his head.

"We've already had this discussion," he sighed.  I bit back a
sarcastic laugh as I remembered our supposed 'discussion' on the
short flight back to DC.  

"Yeah. You said you didn't remember.  And then you went to sleep," I
added, recalling the way he had shifted his head and shoulders away
from me in the cramped seats of the airplane, effectively shutting me
out and blocking any further attempts at continuing the conversation.
Mulder nodded again and opened his eyes.  

"That's right," he agreed.  "I told you that the last thing I
remembered was talking to you on Friday night.  The next thing I
knew, it was Sunday morning and I was calling you."  I pursed my lips
and scratched my nails over the buttons marching down the front of my
sweater. 

"But you've had some time to think about it," I pressed.  "So, do
you remember now why you went without telling me?"  I looked up but
he refused to meet my eyes.

"God, Scully," he mumbled, throwing his arm over his face.  "It was a
personal matter."  I ran my tongue over my lips and considered his
answer.

"Personal," I repeated.  He nodded from behind the arm shielding his
face.  I let the silence grow until he peeked out from behind his arm.
He glanced at the disbelieving look on my face and scowled.

"Scully, let it go already," he suggested in a low voice.  I shook
my head and continued to study him silently.  Mulder ground his teeth
together and glared at me from across the divide of the sofa.

"I told you, it was - "

"Personal," I interjected flatly.  He nodded again, now clearly
impatient.  I raised my brows and settled back against the sofa. 
Mulder took note of the body language that told him that I wasn't
planning on leaving until I got an answer that satisfied me. 
Scowling again, Mulder sat up straighter.

"Fine," he said, throwing his hands up into the air.  "I didn't tell
you because I knew you would insist on going with me and I thought
you should stay at home and rest!"  He stood up and planted both hands
on his hips in an 'are you happy now' stance.  I blinked at him once
and returned my gaze to the fascinating study of the knit of my
sweater.

"Well, that plan worked really well," I said sarcastically.  "Tell
me, Mulder.  Were you thinking of me when you were letting Dr.
Goldstein drill holes in your head?" I began harshly.  "What part of
you thought it would be a good idea to let him inject you with a
tranquilizer intended for ANIMALS?" I asked, my voice rising into a
near-shout.  I took a deep breath and tried to rein in my temper.

"Jesus," he breathed angrily.  "You know, believe it or not, this
had nothing to do with you!" he said harshly.  "It was about me!  My
family!  My sister!"  I nodded and closed my eyes as I gathered my
thoughts.

"Yes, Mulder.  I know that.  But you just sat here and told me you
specifically didn't let me know of your plans because you thought my
health would be better served by staying home and resting," I pointed
out.  "So, what I'm asking you is - at what point during the whole
head-drilling-tranquilizer-taking procedure did you think that you
wouldn't need me?"  I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for
his response.  

"I..." His mouth opened and closed futilely as he tried to come up
with a response.  I tilted my head to the side and pressed on.

"I'm still your partner - aren't I?" I asked calmly, striving for a
rational tone.  Mulder pinched the bridge of his nose between his
thumb and forefinger and I watched him visibly force back his anger
as he nodded tersely.  My head bobbed up and down as I continued to
push my point at him.

"You went up there alone because you knew I wouldn't approve," I
said and paused again for his response.  He continued to knead his
forehead with his fingertips and once again a brief nod was his only
reply.

"But in the back of your mind, you were counting on me to come up
there if you needed me," I ventured, knowing I was right.  Mulder
heaved out a long sigh and opened his eyes.

"Yes," he was grudging as his eyes locked onto mine briefly before
skittering away.  "I knew you would come if I needed you," he told 
me.  Then it was my turn to close my eyes and sigh.  I leaned 
forward and clasped my hands between my legs.

"Mulder," I began softly.  "You can't keep taking these chances with
your life.  I'm not always going to be here to save you," I reminded
him.  He sucked in a deep breath and his head snapped back in shock. 

"Dammit," he hissed before stalking into the kitchen.  I knew he
hated discussing the implications of my failing health.  In fact,
I'd decided to spare him the results of my last appointment with my
oncologist who believed it was only a matter of time before the
cancer would metastasize... that there was, in fact, very little
hope.  But I had to make Mulder understand that he couldn't keep
inviting trouble the way he has done throughout the course of our
partnership.  That unless he had a death wish, he couldn't keep
putting his life on the line the way he had done a few days ago.  I
bit my lip as a sudden, unwelcome thought flashed through my head.  I
stood and followed him into the kitchen.

"Mulder," I called in a soft voice.  He had his hands braced on the
counter and his head hung down to his chest.  I walked slowly across
the yellowed linoleum to lay my hand between his shoulders.  He
flinched at my touch and didn't lift his head.  I stroked my hand
over the column of his spine as I spoke.

"You went back to Dr. Goldstein a second time," I said as I slowly
picked my way through the jumble of terrifying thoughts crowding my
head.  "Even though I had already told you that the treatments could
kill you... even though as a result of the treatments you couldn't
remember the events of more than the prior twenty-four hours. I
watched you rolling around in agony..." I choked on the memory of
Mulder clutching his head in pain and my fingers tightened on his
back.  "You let Dr. Goldstein treat you again, even though you knew
that Amy Cassandra died as a direct result of her exposure to the
Ketamine."  I worried my bottom lip between my teeth as I forced out
the last of my thoughts.

"When I found you at the summer house, swaying... with that gun
pointed at your head..." I pushed my face down next to his, trying to
force him to look at me.  "Mulder," I swallowed harshly before
continuing.  "Mulder, you don't have a death wish... do you?" I
asked - hating the timid tone in my voice but deathly afraid of his
answer.

Mulder turned his face toward mine and I was chilled by the bleak
look I saw in his eyes.  It was only evident for a moment and
then his eyes cleared, but his smile was forced when he replied. 
"Scully, I won't leave you.   Don't worry about me."

I opened my mouth to argue further, realizing immediately that he'd
avoided my real question.  I was worried about what would happen to
him after I was gone.  Who would take care of him?  Who would watch
his back?  I was still angry at the idea of his treating his life so
cavalierly that he would allow such brutal experimentation in his
search for the truth as he saw it.  Who would talk sense into him
when I am no longer here to do it?  I suspected Mulder had kept
this part of his life separate from the life he shared with Lillian. 
To this day, I don't know how much she understood about our work and
Mulder's quest and the constant threat to our lives.

Mulder pushed away from the counter and straightened his back,
drawing himself up to his full height.  His eyes were shuttered and I
knew he had closed himself off to further discussion of the matter. 
I reached out with one hand and he caught it in his own, pulling me
out of the kitchen behind him.  He led me back to the sofa and I
thought I'd been wrong - maybe he was willing to discuss it
further.  Instead, he leaned forward and lifted my sweater from the
sofa cushion.  Releasing my hand, he held the sweater up so that I
could slip my arms into the sleeves.

"Mulder," I protested, but he only shook his head and concentrated
on fastening the top button.  He looked up and I watched his eyes
rove over my face for a moment before he spoke.

"It's late," he said in low, rumbling voice.  "And you should be
home sleeping," he chided as he led me toward the door.  "Shall I
drive you home?"  I hung my head for a moment, resigned to the fact
that I wasn't going to get any more answers out of him tonight.

"No," I said softly as I lifted my keys from the table near the
front door.  "I'll be fine," I promised.  He nodded and followed me
out into the hallway.  We waited for the elevator in silence.  Mulder
walked me several yards down the street to where my car was parked
and waited until I was settled behind the steering wheel before
turning back toward his apartment building.   I pulled out of my
parking space and brought the car to a halt when I drew near the
entrance to his building.  His face was hidden in the shadows and I
felt a wrenching pain around my heart.  Standing in the darkened
doorway, he looked so alone as he lifted his hand in farewell.  I
couldn't bear to leave him there... where would I find the strength
to let go when the time came?

********** 

More than two weeks had passed since the last time Fox and I had
made love.  Although his touches had brought me so much pleasure, I
sensed he wasn't completely with me... that he had left a part
of himself back at Dana's.  Something was off and I couldn't put my
finger on it.  Afterwards, he held me so gently in his arms and
whispered beautiful nonsense into my ears, but I'd felt the first
truly visible crack had appeared in the foundation of our
relationship that evening.

Fox had to leave town almost immediately after that.  He said
something about Alaska and the Yukon Territory in a hurried telephone
conversation as he explained that he would call me when he returned
home.  I had received two short e-mails from him during his absence
and I took heart in the knowledge that he knew I was worried and that
he had made an effort to allay those fears.  When I returned from
lunch this afternoon I found a voice mail message from him.  I waited
all night for some further word from him but he never called.  Tired
of waiting for him to come to me, I decided to drive over to see him.
If he was already asleep, I would simply curl up beside him
and we could talk in the morning.  If he was awake and willing to
talk, I was determined to find out where we stood.  I knew that it
would be selfish of me to demand he stop spending time with
Dana.  They needed each other, now more than ever.  But I needed to
know how he felt about me.  I thought perhaps if I'd felt like I was
on
firmer ground with regards to my place in his life, it would be
easier for me to be charitable about the time he spent with her.  I
hated the feelings of shame and guilt that swept over me every time I
thought of how much easier and more stable my life would be when she
no longer needed him.  But most of all, I needed to know I
wouldn't be competing with a ghost when the time came for him to say
goodbye.

I parked on the street and thumbed the remote control dangling from
my key chain to arm the car alarm.  I was fumbling for the key to his
apartment in my purse as I hurried down the street toward his
building.  I looked up to see Fox run out of the front door and turn
in the other direction.

"Fox!" I shouted.  He didn't respond and I broke into a run.  "Fox! 
Wait!" I called as I dashed after him.  His long, loping stride
faltered and as he spun toward the sound of my voice I stopped dead
in my tracks, shocked by the light from the street lamp glinting off
the barrel of the gun he held in his right hand.  I'd never seen his
gun out of its holster before.  He was at my side in seconds and I
felt the cold steel of the gun against my back as he yanked me into
his arms.

"Lilly!  God!  What are you doing here?" he asked.  His voice was
rough and I could feel his heart pounding against the wall of his
chest.  His manner was frightening and I pushed out of his embrace
to look into his face.  What I saw there shocked me even more than
the sight of the gun that seemed to fit so comfortably in his hand. 
His eyes were feral... murderous - and for the very first time since
I had met him, I realized I was looking at Mulder...  

Not my Fox, but Dana Scully's Mulder.  

"What is it?" I cried out and the fear choking me must have
been evident. His face softened fractionally and I could feel
the man I knew as Fox, in the hand that stroked roughly through my
hair.

"Nothing... everything," he muttered distractedly as he clasped my
hand and dragged me back to my car by my hand.  I stumbled along
behind and he took the keys from my other hand and disarmed the alarm
before swinging the door open.  I dug my heels into the pavement as
he tried to muscle me into the car.

"Fox! Stop it!" I gasped as I grabbed him by the forearms. 
"Please, tell me what's wrong."  My breath was coming in rapid pants
and I looked at him pleadingly.  He heaved out a sigh and cupped my
face in his hands.  Beneath the rage simmering in his eyes, I saw a
look of desolation so deep that my first instinct was to assume that
Dana had passed away.  But the gun in his hand and the angry ticking
along his jaw line told me otherwise.

"Everything is going to be okay," he told me.  I swallowed hard at
the implication that everything was not okay now.  He dipped his head
to position his eyes on a level with mine; his voice brooked no
argument.  "I want you to go home," he said and he stroked his thumbs
over my cheeks.  "Go home and lock your doors and windows and don't
answer the door for anyone but me," he ordered.  "On second thought,"
he continued, "I'd feel better if you went to stay with your
grandmother."  I could feel the blood draining from my head and I
must have swayed slightly because his hands dropped from my face to
my shoulders.

"Lilly!"  His voice was urgent, hands tightening their grip on me.  I
shook my head to clear it and nodded to let him know I was all
right.  

"What is it?" I whispered.  "Are you in danger?"  My lip quivered
and I bit down on it to stop the betraying tremble.  Fox leaned close
and brushed his lips over mine softly.

"I'll be fine," he said.  "And so will you, Lilly."  His hands
slipped back up to tunnel into my hair.  "This is just a precaution. 
I'll call you as soon as I can," he promised.  His lips met mine
again and this time his kiss was warm and lingering.

"Go, Lilly," he whispered against my mouth.  I nodded and checked
back the tears that threatened to spill down my cheeks.  I sank down
behind the steering wheel and Fox watched while I fastened my
seat-belt.

"Please be careful," I begged as I turned my face up to his.  He
nodded and braced his hand on the door as he bent close to me again.  

"Are you okay to drive yourself?" he asked and his lips quirked up
in a tiny smile when I nodded resolutely.  "Okay." He straightened. 
"Drive carefully, Lilly.  And remember what I told you."  I nodded,
frightened anew at his ominous warning. His smile comforted me. 
"I'll call you," he said as he pushed the car door closed.

I willed my hands to stop shaking as I twisted the key in the
Ignition.  When the car rumbled to life, Fox stepped back from the
curb.  As I drove down the street, I watched in my rearview mirror as
he began to lope toward his car again and I shuddered anew when I once
again saw the light playing off his gun.

Hours later, the sun was peeking through the blinds as I sat in the 
rocking chair in my old bedroom and idly picked at the threads of the 
afghan I had thrown over my legs.  Fox's warning tone had frightened 
me, enough to cause me to drive directly to Gran's from his
apartment.  

I had called her from my cell phone to let her know I was on my way 
and she was in the kitchen laying out the teacups and a plate of
cookies when I arrived.  There wasn't much for me to tell her as 
Fox had not been very forthcoming about what was going on but 
sipping tea in Gran's cozy, warm kitchen was comforting.  When 
I caught Gran fighting back a yawn, I insisted that we try to get 
some sleep.  I could hear her rhythmic breathing coming from the 
room next to mine where she slept, but I was too nervous to join 
her in slumber.

When my cell phone trilled, I pounced on it.

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.  I closed my eyes with relief when I
heard Fox's voice over the line.

"Lilly?" he asked.  "Are you okay?"  I pulled my feet up onto the
chair and drew the afghan up to my chin, reveling in the loving
concern evident in his voice.

"I'm fine," I reassured him.  "I took your advice and went to
Gran's."  I paused for a moment before continuing.  "Fox, what about
you?  Are you all right?"  I could hear the sound of traffic in the
background and I knew he was calling me from his car.  "Where are
you?" I asked.  "Can you come over here so that we can talk?"  There
was a long silence and I knew the answer before he spoke.

"I can't Lilly," he said and the regret in his voice was genuine. 
"There's so many things going on... things that I can't explain right
now."

"Try me Fox," I implored.  "I'm a good listener."  I was mentally
pleading for him to come to me but I knew from the tone of his voice
that he wouldn't be coming.

"Oh sweetheart," he sighed.  "I know you are.  Listen, I need you to
trust me until this is over.  Can you do that?" he asked solemnly. 
Inanely I nodded as if he could somehow see the gesture through the 
phone, and was startled when he called my name impatiently.

"Lilly?"  

"Fox, yes of course I trust you."  I wanted so badly to know what
was going on.  

"Good," he said.  "I can't tell you everything right now, but what I
can tell you is that Scully and I have cause to believe that her
cancer was given to her by some of the people that we have been
investigating for the last few years," he told me.  I pulled the
phone away from me ear and looked at it in shock.  What?

"Fox, that's... that's... crazy," I spluttered.  "No one gives you
cancer!" I protested.  "And besides why would anyone do that?"  I was
afraid that grief had caused him to become delusional about Dana's
condition.

"Oh, Lilly," he said so softly that I almost didn't hear him at
first.  "There is so much evil in this world, so many horrors... you
can't even imagine," he murmured.  "But Scully and I - we've seen
this evil firsthand many times."  I didn't know what to say to that.
I knew he was right.  I'd seen the bleak look in his eyes many
times when he and Dana had returned home after investigating a case. 
Sometimes it took days for him to decompress.  

"...go away for a few days."  Blinking, I pulled myself back to the
present and the conversation I was holding with Fox.  "If someone was
capable of making Scully this sick, then someone has to be able to
cure her as well," he said.  I ran my hand over my face, trying to
figure out what he was telling me.

"Wait," I said.  "Wait. Fox, did you say you were going away?"  This
conversation was making me dizzy - I was having a terrible time
trying to wrap my brain around it as Fox leapt from one crazy topic
to another.

"Lilly," he asked.  "Do you have any vacation time coming up?"  My
heart was pounding as he asked, but I couldn't figure out what he was
up to.

"Yes, Fox. I have plenty of time left for the year," I told him.  

"Good," he said.  I need your help."  Over the next fifteen minutes
Fox laid out an insane plan... pretending to be dead so that he
could search for the men he believed had given Dana her terrible
disease. To assure the plan's success, though, I had to pretend he
was dead as well, which meant taking a couple of days off from work. 
No one would believe that I would go into the office if Fox were dead.

"It might have been better if I didn't tell you about this plan,"
Fox said cautiously.  "But I didn't want you to hear that I was dead.
I couldn't do that to you." Confused, I tried to get him to promise
to call me so I would know that he WAS alive and only pretending to
be dead.  

"I'll try," he said quietly.  "I can't guarantee that I'll call you
directly though. I promise I'll get word to you somehow," he vowed. 
Before I knew it, I was agreeing to his plan.

When Fox disconnected the call, I set my phone down and looked
across the room at the bed in the corner and I knew that a good
night's sleep wouldn't be possible... not until I knew Fox was safe.

**************************

In retrospect I suppose my actions the previous day had been
reminiscent of the worst sort of madman - but at the time I was too
panicked to give much of a shit.  I laid my head down on the pillow
in the silent and darkened hospital room and watched Scully slumber,
knowing it would be a long night and not caring because it was the
only place I wanted to be, right now.

Yesterday - I would call it "Hospital Visit Number One", I had
torn through the parking lot like that afore-mentioned madman,
almost wiping myself out on several parked cars, before slamming to a
stop in a space reserved for 'Medical Staff'.  If my car got towed,
who the fuck cared?  I was so frightened...

Not bothering with the elevator I'd taken the stairs two at a time
and burst through the double doors, ignoring the stares of shock as a
few fellow agents who'd thought I was dead reacted to seeing me very
much alive.  Of course they tried to stop me from seeing my partner -
and I let them succeed, that first time.  I didn't want to add to
Scully's already over-stressed situation by acting like a pathetic
jerk in front of her doctors and colleagues; even though I did
resemble one, much of the time.  I let Skinner and two other agents
take me out of there, figuring I'd get my chance to come back and see
her.  But the glimpse I got of my partner in ICU... well, it about
killed me.  

Everything I knew about my feelings for Scully, and a few of the
clouded issues about which I'd been unsteady - all of it came into
sharp focus when I sat with her much later the next night, holding her
hand and communing with her on more than a verbal level.  At first
Scully had wanted me to go home and get some rest.  As if, Partner...

"Mulder, come on.  Those dark circles under your eyes now extend
all the way to your nostrils.  I am not even going to ask you when
you slept last.  Please, go home and do that little thing, okay? 
I'll be fine.  Mom's coming back and she'll stay with me.  Bill may
also come back later, although I'd almost rather he stay away." 
Scully's eyes were as dark-ringed as I knew mine had to be; she was
pale to the point of being translucent and her voice came out on a
soft, blurred thread of sound - but I had never seen a more beautiful
sight in my life.  Life pulsed under the delicate skin of the hand I
held clasped in both of mine, and that's what mattered now.  I didn't
want to leave her - I was the only person in her sphere right now who
believed she would beat this, somehow - would live.  As much respect
as I had for her mother, Maggie Scully seemed ready to commit her
daughter into the hands of Heaven - and so did brother Bill.  Scully
didn't need that sort of defeatist attitude right now.  

"Scully, I'm not going anywhere.  I have a blank dance-card and
that's how it's gonna stay.  I'll share your Jell-O and apple juice
dinner and we'll watch the tube a bit, and if you're really lucky -
or unlucky, depending on your musical tastes - I'll even sing you a
lullabye..."  Her tired snicker and mumble of protest made me grin
like a baboon.

"Ooo, lucky me, indeed, Mulder.  Seriously," her eyes were fighting
the urge to droop as she stared at me, "I know you must have things
to do, people to see - when was the last time you spoke to Lillian? 
Does she know what's been going on, lately?"  I returned her sleepy
gaze with one purposely vague, and tried not to lie to Scully as I
avoided telling her everything.

"I've told her a little.  I asked her to assist in the 'game' by
taking a day or two off from work and pretend to mourn me. I suppose
you could say I implicated her in our deception.  But I didn't give
her any information other than that, Scully."  At the sad shaking of
her head, I broke off and wisely shut up.  Scully laid a hand over
mine as it rested on the blanket next to her, and in her voice I
heard a new note of worry and concern.

"Mulder, you were right to keep the bulk of this from her, but she
has to be worried out of her mind about you.  I know I'd be, if it
were me.  Why don't you just go home and spend some time with her?  I
told you, Mom will be here."  Scully pressed my hand, then placed her
palm against my chest and tried to give me a little incentive push. 
It was about as effective as a gnat trying to push Mt. McKinley - I
was not budging.  I covered her pushing hand with mine to still it,
and felt the way her fingers trembled a little under mine.  My voice
came out on a determined rush.

"I'm NOT going.  I'm not letting your mother and your brother Bill
hang out here tonight and go tearing off down the hall for the priest
every time your vitals fluctuate as the result of you burping up 
Jell-O.  Forget it.  They can camp out here another time, okay?"  I
reinforced my decision by moving from the bedside chair to the edge
of her bed, settling myself comfortably next to her and maneuvering
her gently until she lay nestled in one arm, head leaning back into
my shoulder.  If I lowered my cheek I could rest it against her soft
hair, and I did just that, briefly, before reaching for the remote
with my free hand and clicking on 'Lifetime'.  Scully's snort of
disbelief sounded so blessedly normal and Scully-ish that for a
moment I could forget that we weren't sitting on her sofa together,
or in my apartment on my lumpy excuse for a piece of furniture.

"'Lifetime', Mulder?  Now I know you're coddling me - you hate this
channel."  I grinned and dropped a careful kiss into her hair, and
felt her lean and relax until I was bearing her full weight in my
arms.  In the dimness of her hospital room we watched TV and as far
as I was concerned it was any other night in the life of Mulder and
Scully.

*************************


I exited the elevator on Dana's floor and walked slowly down the
silent corridor, peeking into open doors and tiptoeing past rooms
that held sleeping patients.  I knew the general vicinity of her
room, and I knew when I got there I would most likely find Fox as
well.  

I hadn't seen much of him lately, and of course I understood why. 
Dana was getting worse.  Whatever treatment she was receiving must
not have been working very well, because although Fox spoke of her
progress in positive terms, I could see the truth in his eyes.  Those
clear hazel eyes... they didn't hide much.  I had been looking into
them for over two years - I felt I knew them.  I saw sadness and 
worry and the imminent knowledge of loss, and my heart ached for 
the man I loved because he was going to lose someone he cared 
about.  And I felt sadness, too - for the waste of a young, vital 
life to the insidious monster called cancer.  

I let some time go by before I decided to visit Dana, knowing that
she needed her rest and figuring that Fox would comfort her the most.
I tried not to mind the hours he spent at her bedside, but I worried
for his health.  He wasn't eating much and I knew he wasn't
sleeping well either.  Fox had lost weight and his exhaustion
was evident.  I was worried but I accepted the fact that he would
have to work this out by himself.  I could only be there for him when
he needed someone to talk to.

I had to work late but hoped that Dana would still be awake, and
that the nurses wouldn't mind another visitor.  I also hoped to
persuade Fox to come home with me and try to eat something and maybe
even get some sleep.  After searching a few minutes I found the right
corridor and headed for Room 357H, getting a better grip on the
balloons in my hand as I felt the strap of my purse slip off my
shoulder.  I looked up at the balloons, glad to have bought them
instead of yet another flower arrangement which Fox had assured me
already overflowed Dana's room.  But he added that no one had thought
of balloons, and these were particularly charming.  One in the shape
of a colorful butterfly and the other a dramatic dragonfly, I thought
they might make Dana smile.

Rounding Corridor H east, I easily spotted Dana's room and moved to
the doorway.  I could hear the murmur of voices... With a smile on my
face I started to walk in - and then stopped dead in my tracks, just
outside the half-open door, in the shadows where the occupants of
that room would not see me.  In a dim corner of my mind I registered
my hand opening and letting go of the balloons; I suppose they must
have drifted to the ceiling to hover, the way butterflies and
dragonflies were meant to.  I couldn't look up to see; my stare was
riveted to the tableau inside the hospital room.

The bed was indeed surrounded by flowers, sitting on the night
stands and even on the rollaway table next to where Fox was sitting. 
On the bed, where he was sitting - holding Dana in his arms.  Her
head was on his shoulder and turned just enough for me to see fully
into her face, although from this angle Fox's lowered head would not
allow me to see his face as well.  And I was glad I could not... for
the expression I saw, there on Dana, was enough.

In the soft light of her hospital room Dana's eyes were lifted to
Fox and it was obvious to me she was staring deeply into his own. 
Even from here I could see the love burning there; it was so blatant.
One of her thin, pale hands rested on the arm wrapped around her and
I watched as if in a daze as his long fingers stroked through her red
hair.  Gently... carefully.  Even from the doorway I could see how
careful he was, how reverent.  The soft voices floating over to me
were too low to make out any specific words, but I saw Dana nod, and
smile up into the face of the man I loved - 

The man she loved.  My God, it was all there for me to see; how
could I have been so obtuse?  I could only hazard a guess as to how
long she'd loved him, in ways other than a friend.  I reckoned quite
a while, for the depth of emotion I saw in her shining eyes had to
have been growing for more than just a few weeks, or months.  Dana
was in love with Fox, and suddenly it did not matter whether or not
she was gravely ill - because the hand moving over her hair was the
most loving hand I had ever witnessed.  I could see it from here - I
could feel it as well.  I knew the capacity of those hands; I had
been the lucky recipient of their tenderness for these past few
years.  

But this was different.  This was much more than one friend
comforting and aiding another; this was more than partners huddling
together and reminiscing about their grand times.  These two people
adored each other; it was there in his fingers and in her eyes.  I
cursed myself for being a blind fool, as my vision blurred and the
tears ran hot and scalding down my cheeks.  I felt fright such as I
have never felt before in my life - fright and panic that I was
losing Fox, the overwhelming anxiety of it all wrapped up into a lump
that settled within my throat and threatened to suffocate me.  I
could not breathe; I spun on a heel and ran down the silent corridor,
somehow inanely remembering to run on my tiptoes so that my heels
would not clack and alert anyone to my presence.  

I did not want Fox to know what I had seen - I could not let Dana
witness my ravaged face.  A woman would read another so well, at a
time like this; it was what we women did.  I ran to the elevator and
jumped on, blindly pushing at buttons until I found the one that
closed the doors.  As it began to move I slumped against the far 
wall and slid down until I hit the floor, finally releasing the 
clogging tears from my aching throat.  The elevator was slow and 
I cried all the way down to the lobby, only scrabbling to my feet 
when I realized someone could be standing there at the door when 
it opened and would surely wonder about the crazy woman sobbing 
on the floor.

I walked out the double doors and through the well-lit parking lot,
numb.  I began the search for my car and walked in circles through
the rows of parked cars a good five minutes before I remembered that
I'd taken a taxi instead of driving.  Sighing wearily, I slogged back
to the main entrance and found a waiting cab; told the driver my
address and leaned my head against the padded seat.  

All the way back to my apartment I brooded over what I had seen,
finally coming to the unwelcome conclusion that Fox most likely
didn't realize the depth and timbre of his love.  Hopeless, to be
sure - for Dana was slipping away and there wasn't a thing to be done
about it.  But I was very attuned to him, and I could see - had in
that moment of involuntary voyeurism delved far enough into his soul
to know that he loved her in a way he could never love me.  And I
asked myself if, when Dana did pass on, could Fox ever see me in any
other light?  I thought about it as I rode through the streets back
to my place, wondering if I should wait and see... injured pride
telling me it was time to get out... my heart knowing that I could
not give up yet.  

Very soon, Fox would need someone to listen to his grief and to
offer him a shoulder and a loving embrace.  As long as he was in need
of me I would never just let it go - I couldn't.  As the taxi pulled
up to the curb in front of my building and I climbed out and paid my
fare, I told myself I would always be there.

Where else, after all, should I be?  I was a woman in love.

******************
end of chapter seven


~ Chapter Eight ~ 

He wasn't sleeping well.  Of course, that was assuming he'd
been sleeping at all.  He divided his time between sitting on the
edge of my hospital bed and God only knows where else.  Mulder had
been pretty closed-mouthed about what he did when he wasn't camped
out in my room, but if the dark circles under his eyes were any
indication, he wasn't getting any rest...

I glanced at the clock on the wall.  Almost five o'clock.  He would
be arriving shortly.  I noticed early on that he had taken to timing
his visits around mealtimes.  He would perch on the edge of the bed
and try coaxing me into eating.  If it didn't work, he would
pout, bully or plead with me to eat something, anything.  The
pleading was most effective and despite the ever-present, underlying
nausea that had robbed me of my appetite, I usually succumbed to the
imploring look in his eyes as I choked down a few bites of food.

I reached into the small drawer of the wheeled tray next to my bed
and pulled out a small mirror and brush.  I gently stroked the brush
through my hair, smoothing it and pushing it behind my ears,
studiously ignoring the strands of red tangled in the brush as I laid
it back into the drawer.  I raised the head of the bed and smoothed
the sheets over my lap, grimacing as I realized that I was primping
for Mulder.   Well, why not? I thought defensively.  I was tired of
seeing the sad look creep into his eyes every day when he first saw
me.  He always covered it quickly with a smile but I saw it lurking
there each time his eyes roved over my face, taking note of the
pallor of my skin, the shadows under my eyes.  Tonight - I just
wanted to enjoy his company.  I touched my fingers to the tiny bandage
covering the back of my neck.  Dr. Zuckerman had given me the result
of the PET scan I had undergone earlier today.  The chip - whatever
it was - didn't seem to be working. The scan showed no improvement -
my cancer was still spreading rapidly and I knew I didn't have a lot
of time left.

A sound outside of my door caught my attention and I took a deep
breath and composed my features.  The smile that spread over my face
was happy and genuine as Mulder stepped into view.

"Hi," he said as he crossed the room.  I scooted over, making room
for him on the bed next to me.  He put a small brown bag down onto
the bedside table and sank down into his spot as I tilted my face up
to his.  From the moment he first found me in the hospital earlier
this week, he has greeted me with a kiss.  His lips glanced off the
corner of my mouth and my lips curved upward in response.

"You look good," he smiled as he took one of my hands into his.  I
grinned, happy that I had taken the time earlier to fix my hair.  The
door swung open again and an orderly came in bearing my dinner.  He
set it down on the wheeled table and quickly left the room.  Mulder
wiggled his eyebrows comically as he lifted the plastic lid from the
tray.

"What do we have tonight?" he asked as he perused the meal spread
out over the tray.  I ignored the food, choosing instead to
concentrate on his face while he was distracted.  

"Mmmm," he said theatrically.  "Broiled chicken and rice," smacking
his lips and making 'yummy' noises.  I snorted and he looked up with
a smile.

"Tell you what," he was persuasive as he pushed the fork toward me. 
"If you eat at least half of that," he nodded toward the chicken, "I
won't make you eat the green Jell-o."  His tongue slipped out of his
mouth as he mock-gagged at the sight of the slimy, wiggly dessert.

"Mulder..." I began.  I really wasn't hungry but at least today the
mere smell of the food didn't make me sick.  I knew that I would give
in and eat and so did he.  But I had to lodge a protest if only for
the principle of it.  He shook his head and picked up the bag he had
brought with him.  

"At least half," he said again as he opened the bag.  "I brought you
a treeeaaat," he sing-songed.  I licked my lips and jutted my chin
toward the bag.

"What is it?" I asked suspiciously.  I'd wait to know what was
inside the bag before I caved in.  Mulder dug his hand down into the
bag and ceremoniously withdrew a small plastic tray covered in
cellophane.

"Lady Fingers," he crowed, waving the small package temptingly under
my nose.  I took the package into my hands and smoothed my fingers
over the label, blinking back tears.  It was silly really, to cry
over his gift, but the fact he remembered that I'd once told 
him of my mother's habit of supplying me with the bland little cakes
to eat when I wasn't feeling well touched me deeply. Keeping my head
lowered, I laid  the package on the bed and picked up my fork.  When 
my features were composed once again, I looked up at him.

"Half of everything?" I asked.  "Or just the chicken?"  Mulder
glanced over the tray of food and pursed his lips as if it was a
matter worthy of the deepest concentration.

"Well..." he began consideringly.  "Half of the chicken and the
rice," he suggested.  "But I won't make you eat this vegetable-like
substance."  He poked a finger at the small plastic cup that held an
unappealing glob of mixed vegetables.

"Thanks so much," I muttered as I lifted the first bite of chicken
to my mouth.  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him pull a tea
bag from its paper envelope and dunk it into a cup of hot water
before adding a teaspoon of sugar and a drop or two of creamer.  Just
the way I liked it...  I forced the chicken down past the lump in my
throat and took the teacup from his hand.

"Thank you," I whispered, as I took a sip of tea.  After just a
couple of mouthfuls, I was already tired.  Mulder picked up the knife
and fork and cut the chicken into small pieces.  He stabbed a bite of
chicken onto the fork and for a moment, I thought he was going to
feed me.  He hesitated and then held the fork out to me.

"Just a couple more bites," he said encouragingly.  I took a deep
breath and continued eating under his watchful gaze.  I hadn't quite
reached Mulder's goal of half, but I couldn't choke down another bite
and I laid the fork onto the tray with a sigh.

"Close enough," he said as he put the plastic lid over the tray and
pushed it to one side.  He lifted the teacup again and held it out to 
me and I wrapped my fingers around the cup, absorbing the warmth
through my fingertips.  

"Is something going on?" I asked.  While he had been covering the
tray and straightening my blankets, his eyes had been distant and
pensive.  I knew the look well.  It was the look that told me he had
something on his mind and was brooding over it.  "You can tell me," I
encouraged as I set the cup down and laid my hand over his.  Mulder
nodded and turned his hand over, lacing his fingers with mine.

"I know," he said softly.  "I'm not ready to talk about it yet," he
said.  "Soon.  I'll tell you soon," he promised.  I wanted to inform
him that I didn't know how much time I had left, but I didn't want to
ruin the evening.  Instead I tightened my fingers around his.

"Can I have my Lady Fingers now?" I asked, deliberately lightening
the mood.  He grinned and picked up the package.  I let go of his hand
and he tore the cellophane open and lifted one small cake out of the
tray, tearing it in half.  He held one half of the treat to my lips
and I opened my mouth, savoring the bland yet sweet taste as the
light sponge cake melted on my tongue.  Mulder popped the other half
of the cake into his mouth and chewed.  He screwed his face up and
picked up another cake, studying it closely.

"It needs a cream filling," he pronounced gravely.  I snatched the
small, golden cake from his hand.

"Then it would be a Twinkie," I told him reprovingly.  Mulder nodded
and smiled.

"Exactly!" he exclaimed.  I huffed out a breath and took another
bite.  As I chewed, Mulder leaned forward and ran his thumb over the
corner of my mouth.

"Crumb," he explained quietly.  He kept his hand curved over my
cheek and I leaned into the warmth of his palm.  My heart
constricted as I stared at him... and suddenly I hoped that Mulder
was right in his belief in spirits and ghosts.  If I had to leave him
behind in this world, I wanted to be able to come back and be with 
him from another.

Mulder set the tray of Lady Fingers aside and scooted closer. 
Wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me against his chest.  I
curled my arms about his waist and buried my face in the collar of
his shirt, breathing in his scent, memorizing the feel of his flesh
and bones beneath my hands, absorbing him into my soul to take with
me when I had to go.  His hands stroked over my back and he rested
his cheek on the crown of my head.  We rocked slowly together and I
stifled a yawn against his chest.

"Go to sleep," he whispered.  I nestled closer and let my body grow
limp in his embrace.

"Stay until I'm asleep?" I asked around another yawn.

"I'll be here," he promised.  Knowing he would keep his promise, I
let sleep claim me.


*******************

My legs felt like lead as I forced one foot in front of the other. 
Climbing stairs when I could have taken the elevator, but I welcomed
the ache.  Pain meant that at least I was feeling something; at least
some part of my body had life.  Not my heart, though... not that
vital organ. Oh, it still beat and pushed blood throughout my system,
but that was about it.  

I rubbed at my aching eyes and came away with a wet hand.  The tears
must have been pouring down my face; no wonder the cabbie had been
staring at me on the ride over.  And I thought I'd cried it all out
at Scully's bedside... guess not.  Jesus, what a difference in
mindset between one night and another.  I'd left my apartment with
hope curving a smile on my lips and I was coming back to it in utter
despair.  Wearily I climbed the stairs.

I had pinned all those former hopes on the promise of a tiny chip
implant holding the magic cure for Scully's rapidly-spreading cancer.
So desperately eager to hear a voice, any voice, telling me that all
would be well - even if that voice had the sibilant hiss of Satan
himself.  Smokie had made yet another worthless promise and I'd leapt
right onto it with both feet poised for action.  I'd spent the better
half of the night on my knees beside Scully's bed, crying my despair
onto her small hand; she'd never stirred once.  Heavily-sedated, I
knew she would not awaken even though every cell in my body screamed
for her to open those blue, blue eyes of hers and shine some sort of
reassuring gaze on me.  

I had slipped gently trembling fingers underneath her hair, needing
to feel the tiny incision on her neck and acknowledge the presence of
that damn chip - the one that didn't seem to be working.  Another red
herring, white elephant, whatever I could call it - just another
placebo.  It was not helping and I knew it.  Scully knew it - and so
did her family.  Perhaps that was the worst of all; that I'd made a
promise to her family and now it was as though I couldn't deliver.

I'd once more lowered my face to her hand and cried against the cool
skin.

Now I walked slowly down my hallway and rubbed at my face with hands
that shook.  And they shook with anger as much as anything else.  In
those brief seconds before I reached my door I knew I would never
want to lay eyes on that smoking bastard again, for if I did I would 
surely kill him and subsequently spend my remaining days in prison
for murder.  I managed to unlock my door without dropping my key, and
walked in without bothering to put on a light.  So tired... God.  I
shuffled to my bedroom, tugging at my shirt -

Only to come up short at the sight of Lilly in my bed, asleep.  I
stared down at her in confusion, wondering why she was there,
forgetting for the moment that I'd told her to come over when she'd
had the time.  So, with the hallway light behind me throwing
illumination over my bed, I watched her sleep - the sleep of a young,
vibrant and healthy woman.

In that first minute I was so furiously angry, as I stood at the
foot of my bed and looked down at Lilly.  Angry - because I should
love this woman and yet what I felt paled to nothing when compared to
the avalanche of feeling brought on earlier when I'd kneeled at the
side of a hospital bed and cried all over Scully.  Anger at the sure
knowledge of that coveted 'normal life' slipping right through my
fingers unless I reached out and grabbed Lilly with both hands. 
Resentment that I couldn't be happy about it, and for more reasons
than just the imminent loss of Scully.

Awareness that Lilly was being grossly shortchanged because of my
inability to offer her anything more than what little I'd given 
her so far in our relationship.  

In the dim light Lilly slept on her side with a hand curled under
her cheek.  She was a lovely woman - sweet and kind and loving;
generous with herself and always ready to listen and offer her
support - deserving of a man who would worship the ground she walked
upon and be anxious as hell to marry her and spend his life giving
her children and the happiest of memories.  As I gazed at her I could
see superimposed over her features the pale, thin face of the woman I
had just begun to need more than food or air or even my own pathetic
life.  I had left it too late; had not possessed the brain matter to
see what had been in front of me all along. Now it was too late.  I
knew it, even as I fought to denounce it.  Too late for me and too
late for Scully, ah Christ... I fumbled for the edge of the bed and
sat down before I fell over.

"Fox." 

Lilly's sleepy murmur brought my attention back from the desolate
place it had been wandering, and I turned to face her as she sat up. 
I forced a smile and moved up closer to her, reaching out a hand to
squeeze her fingers gently.  Her hair was tousled and she smelled of
roses and sleep, and I felt a great wave of tenderness flood me as I
held her hand.  She was wonderful and I didn't love her, not the way 
she deserved to be loved.  She was everything I'd once thought I'd 
wanted, a full representation of that normal life I craved - and 
I couldn't take that step - not with her.  The only woman I would 
ever want to walk with lay in a hospital bed, weakening daily 
despite all that had been done to the contrary.  And I...

I had trusted the Devil to give me a cure that in all probability
was just another goddamned smoke screen.  Well, considering the
source - it was appropriate.

"Fox, are you all right?"  Lilly's soft hesitancy broke into my dark
thoughts, and I formed another hasty smile and nodded, slipping an
arm around her shoulders and giving her a gentle hug.  Lilly rested
her cheek into my neck and her query was mumbled into my skin.

"Have you been to see Dana?  How is she?"  I took a deep breath and
made my reply as positive as I could.

"She was asleep while I was there, but it seemed to be a good, solid
sleep.  I'm going to try talking to her doctor tomorrow, if he's
available."  Not quite the whole truth; I was actually going to talk
with the man just long enough to assure myself Scully was holding her
own - then I was going to track down the black-lunged snake who'd 
been responsible for the agony Scully was experiencing... and
throttle him until he swallowed the fillings in his nicotine-stained
teeth.

I shook away the nasty images brewing inside my head and released
Lilly, pressing her down into the mattress.  "You should get some
sleep, Lilly - you have to work in the morning."  I started to cover
her over with the blanket but she stayed my hand.

"I'm not going in tomorrow, Fox - I'll call in sick.  I don't want
you to be alone now - I really think I should stay with you, in case
you need... well, just in case.  Please, I don't mind.  Let me help."
In the gloom her eyes were pleading with me and I knew she was
offering much more than help - she was offering the assuage of my
inevitable grief.  And I felt again that flare of anger and
resentment, this time directed at Lilly.  With her words she was
accepting the loss of Scully, expecting and accepting it - and I
would not go there, even though in my conscious depths I would
eventually have to.  But I would not go there today, or tomorrow or
next week or month - I refused.  I shook my head and scraped together
one last parody of a smile.

"No, Lilly - you don't have to.  I'll be fine.  Why don't you try to
get some sleep, okay?  I have some work to do and if I get tired I'll
just doze on the sofa.  I'll take you back to your place tomorrow
morning on my way to the hospital."  I stood up and made a move
toward the door but Lilly again caught at my hand.

"Fox, won't you please just come to bed?  I've missed you... it's
been so long since we've had any time together.  I just want to
snuggle next to you and make sure you're really okay."  I shook my
head again, the drain of these past few days robbing me of the
ability to force another smile.  I gently disengaged her clinging
fingers and stepped away, steeling myself against the resigned
awareness I now saw in her eyes.

"No, Lilly - I can't sleep right now. I wouldn't be able to relax;
I'm too keyed up.  You sleep - and I'll just finish my work."  I
turned and walked out into the living room, heaving a sigh of relief
when she made no further attempt to detain me.  I went into the
kitchen and got a glass of water, filling and draining it twice.  I
felt dry as a desert inside and knew that regardless of how much
water I downed I would need even more.  I filled up the glass a third
time and sat at the kitchen table in the dark, sipping at it and
thinking about Scully... wishing I were there with her right now. 
There with her, absorbing her sweetness and not wasting any more
precious time.  Precious, every second of it - valuable beyond
measure.  And I sat in the dark and crammed water down my throat.  

What an asshole I was.

Three minutes later I was out the door and running down the hallway,
on my eager way to Scully.  It would be hours later before I realized
that in my urgency to get back to the hospital, I had put Lilly out
of my mind... all too easily.

************************


Two days after my aborted attempt to visit Dana, I found myself once
again walking the hallways of Trinity Hospital. Empty-handed this
time, my steps faltering as I drew closer to her room, my stomach
clenched at the thought of finding Fox tenderly cradling Dana in his
arms again. What was I doing here? I wondered. If, indeed, Fox were
with Dana, would I turn and run again? Two days ago, I had come to
this hospital naively hoping to bring some cheer into Dana's room
with my silly little gift while at the same time, hoping to persuade
Fox to come home with me for a little while to rest. I was ashamed
that my intentions today were much more self-serving. I'm not sure
what I thought I would accomplish with today's visit. I already knew
Dana was in love with Fox and judging by the sick feeling in the
pit of my stomach, I was almost certain that he returned those
feelings. Was I here looking for proof that I had lost him to her or
reassurance that he was still mine? I ruthlessly suppressed the tiny
voice whispering that I was really looking for proof that in few
days or weeks it wouldn't matter any longer.

I stumbled to a halt and grabbed onto the wall for support when
Dana's door swung open and a priest stepped out. Hot tears flooded my
eyes belying my worries that jealousy had made me mean and ugly and I
gratefully realized that no matter what, I could never wish for the
death of the young woman on the other side of that door in order to
ensure my own happiness. I waited for a moment but there was no rush
of doctors or nurses into her room, no sounds of mournful weeping.
Perhaps, I wasn't too late after all.

I took a deep breath and laid my hand on the smooth wood of the
door, mentally preparing myself to accept whatever it was that I
found in that room. I pushed the door open gently and took one step
inside and stopped, taking a moment to study the woman lying in the
bed on the other side of the room. She was alone and her face was
turned toward the window, but even from this distance I could see the
gaunt cheeks and pale skin. Her fingers rested lightly over the tiny
gold cross that I knew she always wore around her neck and her gaze
was fixed on the sunlight spilling through the blinds. I took another
step toward the bed and cleared my throat softly. 

************ 

I sighed at the delicate sound of someone clearing her throat and
rolled my head toward the source, resigned to submitting to the
demands of yet another nurse or medical technician looking to draw
blood or check my vitals. My eyes widened, the small measure of
peace I had attained with Father McCue's visit vanishing at the sight
of Lillian hovering in the doorway. I fumbled for the elevation
controls on the left rail of my bed and hastily raised the head of
the mattress into a sitting position.

"Lillian," I said slowly as I forced a tired smile onto my face.
Mulder had mentioned to me a few days ago that he thought she might
stop by to see me, but I was still surprised to find her here. She
crossed the room hesitantly and I gestured toward the guest chair
next to the bed.

"Mulder was here about two hours ago," I began but she shook her
head and leaned back into the vinyl seat.

"I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you sooner," she blurted
apologetically. I waved her apology off with one hand and she nodded.
She was nervous and her hands moved restlessly in her lap.

"How are you?" she finally asked as she looked up at me. I shook my
head and picked at a loose thread in the blanket draped over my legs
and we lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Lillian agitatedly ran
her thumb over the glossy polish on the fingertips of her other hand
and I waited in confusion for her to begin to speak. When she wasn't
forthcoming, I realized as I watched her sitting next to my bed that
there was something I needed to say to her.

"Lillian," I said quietly and she lifted her eyes to mine. "I..." I
stopped, unsure of how to put into words what I was feeling, what I
needed to say. I licked my lips and once again touched my fingers to
the tiny cross around my neck. I had promised myself only a short
while ago to start putting my affairs into order. I'd had a
lawyer draw up a will and other testamentary documents several years
ago. I don't own a home but I'd made arrangements for my family
members to take whatever they wanted of my personal possessions as
keepsakes and to have the remainder of my property sold. Any money
from the sale of my property was to be combined with the proceeds of
my life insurance, my savings and retirement plans and was to be
invested to help pay the college tuition of any nieces and nephews
that I may have. Bill and Tara were expecting their first child in a
few months and I hoped that someday Charlie would meet someone and
settle down to raise a family of his own. I told my mother before she
left my room this morning that I wanted to be sure that Mulder be
given my cross. I had made no provisions for him in my will - he
didn't need my money - but I wanted him to have this small reminder
of me.

Looking at Lillian, I knew it was time for me to finalize the most
important detail. Mulder. I needed to be sure that he would be taken
care of before I could rest.

"Lillian," I said again. Drawing in a shaky breath I lifted my eyes
to hers. "I wanted to talk to you about Mulder," I said softly. Her
eyes skittered away from mine and dropped back to her fidgeting
hands. I cleared my throat nervously. 

"I think..." I blew out an impatient breath and tried to compose my
thoughts. "I'm not getting better Lillian," I finally said. Her eyes
shot back up to mine.

"Fox said..." she began but her gaze wandered over my face and she
knew the truth. I smiled sadly.

"Mulder doesn't want to admit what is right in his face," I told her
quietly. "And that is going to make this so much harder for him," I
whispered. I went back to picking at the blanket as I struggled for
the right words.

"I know I don't have any right to pry into your relationship
with Mulder and I hope that you don't take this the wrong way," I
began. "But he's going to need you to -" Lillian held up her hand and
interrupted me.

"You're in love with him," she murmured. Her eyes were brimming with
tears, but her face was kind and her voice held no accusation. I
sucked in a surprised breath and felt tears prick the back of my own
eyes. I couldn't deny it, but neither could I admit it to her. I
couldn't - wouldn't - burden Mulder with my feelings at this late
date, and if I couldn't tell him the truth of my feelings, I wouldn't
tell anyone.

"I think he's in love with you too," Lillian said and I saw the
sadness and despair in her eyes. I closed my own eyes against the
pain of her words. Too late, too late, too late, I thought. I waited
and wasted so many years. I said a quick and fervent prayer for the
strength to continue.

"Lillian," I began. "I'm his best friend." She huffed out a 
disbelieving breath as I added, "He may think his feelings 
for me have changed, but Lillian, that's just grief talking." 
I thought of the tender hugs and late nights that he had spent 
with me over the last few months. The gentle kisses and waking 
to find him beside my bed. There is a difference between loving 
someone and being in love with them and that's what I tried to 
tell Lillian.

"I know Mulder has been spending most of his free time with me,
Lillian," I said. "And I just... I want you to know how much I
appreciate your patience."

"Oh, Dana...I..." She shook her head and rubbed her fingers over her
eyes, automatically denying the validity of my statement. I sat up
and leaned forward.

"I know how many dates Mulder has canceled, how preoccupied he has
been, of late," I said. "I needed him and I've been selfish, hoarding
his time and you've been very... gracious." My voice trailed off into
a choked whisper and I furiously blinked away the tears that were
blinding me.

"Dana..." Lillian said, casting her eyes around the room before her
gaze landed back on my face. "I... he needed to be here," she told
me. I knew she was right just as I knew it must have been terribly
difficult for her to sit by while Mulder lavished so much of his time
and attention on me.

"I know I have no right to ask you for any favors," I said quietly.
"But I'm going to ask you to promise me something." Her lips were
drawn down in sad curve and her eyes were red-rimmed and in their
soft, brown depths I saw confusion.

"He feels everything so intensely," I told her. "Especially guilt.
Please, promise me that you won't let him wallow in it." She seemed
startled by my request and I plunged ahead before I lost the nerve to
continue.

"He's going to need someone to lean on when I'm gone," I said.
"Don't let him run off half-cocked trying to avenge me," I begged.
"Keep him home, stay with him." I looked away from her for a moment
and stared out the window at the sunshine and bright blue sky of
what promised to be another lovely fall day.  There wouldn't be many
more of them, for me... I blinked back tears of self-pity and turned
back to Lillian.

"I know how much you love him," I told her and I smiled softly. "And
I feel so selfish for saying this to you, but I need to know... I
can't rest until I'm sure..." I stopped and knuckled a stray tear
from my lashes. "I can't rest until I know he that he is going to be
taken care of," I said.

Lillian rose out of the chair and stood next to my bed. She lifted
her hands to her face and wiped away the tears that were streaking
her cheeks. She laid one hand over mine and squeezed it softly.

"I promise."

**************** 

After Lillian left my hospital room, the tears I'd been
struggling to hold back spilled over.  Lying in my bed, fingering the
rosary that Father McCue had left with me, I tried to regain the
acceptance I had found while praying with him that morning.  But the
tension of my visit with Lillian combined with the long bout of
weeping after she was gone had left me with a raging headache.  After
trying to cope with the pain for more than an hour, I finally rang
for the nurses and requested a painkiller.  The morphine drip barely
took the edge off of the furious pounding behind my eyes and left me
nauseous.  Even under the influence of heavy medication, I was unable
to sleep.  I was afraid to sleep because I knew that once I finally
did, I wouldn't reawaken and I had one more thing to do.

I had to say goodbye.

Mulder came back to the hospital late in the afternoon after his
confrontation with Section Chief Blevins and the FBI review panel. 
He settled into his customary place next to me on the mattress and
his long fingers played with the tiny beads of my rosary as he began
to fill me in on the events that had transpired only a short while
earlier at the Hoover Building.

"You're tired," he said finally said as he looked into my face. 
"This can wait until tomorrow."  He stroked his fingers lightly
through my hair.  "Why don't you try to get some sleep," he
suggested.  I reached out and caught his wrist with my hand and
although my grip was weak, it was enough to cause him to sit back
down.

"Mulder," I rasped and he reached for the small plastic pitcher on
the tray by my bed and filled a cup with cool water.  He slid his
hand under the back of my head and supported me as I took a couple of
sips of water.  Exhausted by even the most simple of movements, I
slumped back into the pillows as he set the cup down.

"What is it, Scully?" he asked.  His hands were busy rearranging the
various items on the top of the tray and he bit at his lips
nervously, refusing to meet my gaze.  I laid my hand on his leg.

"Mulder," I whispered again.  "Look at me."  Reluctantly, he stopped
fidgeting with a tiny box of tissues and raised his eyes to mine.

"Dr. Zuckerman gave me the results of my PET scan yesterday," I
began quietly.  Mulder immediately looked away and began to shake his
head back and forth.  

"Mulder, please," I implored as he pushed the tray out of his way
and climbed to his feet.  

"No," he said.  "Scully, I don't care what the tests say..." He took
a step back from the bed and stumbled into the tray, knocking the
tissues and pitcher of water to the floor.

"Fuck!" he swore as he strode toward the tiny bathroom.  He came
back with a handful of paper towels and squatted next to the bed,
mopping up the water that had formed a puddle on the linoleum.  I
shifted, painfully turning onto my side and held out my hand.

"Let that go, Mulder," I begged.  He ignored me and continued to mop
up the spill.  I stretched my fingers toward him.

"Mulder," I said.  He hung his head and I watched his chest rise and
fall as he sucked oxygen into his lungs.  He looked up and my vision
blurred at the sight of the tears rolling silently down his cheeks. 
He pitched the wet towels into the wastebasket and scrambled to his
feet.

"Don't, Scully," he pleaded.  "Please, you've got to believe that
you can beat this.  You can't... you can't..." He pressed the heels
of his hands against his eyes, hiding his face from me.  "Please,
Scully.  You've got to try."  I felt hot tears brim and spill over my
lashes.  I reached out again and my fingers brushed against his white
shirt.

"Oh, Mulder," I sighed.  "I wish there was a way - " He grabbed my
hands in a bruising grip and sat back down next to me.

"There is," he insisted.  "Just believe, Scully.  Please," he
whispered as he pressed our joined hands to his lips.  "Please try." 
I slid one hand free and ran my fingers through the hair that had
spilled over his forehead.

"I'm tired, Mulder," I said softly.  "I'm so tired."  Mulder gasped
and dropped his head onto my stomach.  His shoulders shook with great
hitching sobs.

"Don't leave me, Scully," he pleaded.  "Please don't go away."  He
wrapped his arms around me and burrowed his face against me and I
could feel his tears soaking through the thin, cotton hospital gown. 
"I can't... I can't do this without you," his voice was a broken
whisper. 

I tugged on his shoulders and he climbed into the bed next to me. 
Drawing his head onto my shoulder I threaded my fingers through 
his thick hair.

"I don't want to leave you, Mulder," I said softly.  "I would stay
with you forever if I could."  He sighed and wound his arms even
tighter around me.  "I'll always be with you," I promised.  "But I
don't think I can stay with you here, in this place anymore..."

Mulder shifted slightly and laid his head between my breasts,
pressing his ear over my heart.  His body continued to shudder as he
wept in my arms.  Finally, I felt his rigid posture soften and his
sobs quiet as he matched his breathing to my own, his head rising and
falling with every breath that I took.

Together, we watched the sun go down and as darkness encroached into
the room, we slept.

*******************

Perhaps an hour or two after we had fallen asleep, the wind rattled a 
window in her room and the sound roused me enough from my uneasy
sleep for me to recall that I was in bed with Scully, and holding
her.  For a minute I was disoriented; my eyes burned and ached and 
my face felt tight from the tears I'd shed earlier in the day.  
I turned my head on the pillow and let my arms tighten around 
Scully's thin body, counting the breaths I felt her take against 
my side.  They were steady, thank God - deep and steady.  

I shifted a little in the bed and cuddled her closer, now wide awake
and knowing there would be no more rest for me.  I would rather stay
awake anyhow - hoarding these precious hours and hugging them to
myself, gladly watching over her and counting the minutes until dawn.
In the dim room her pale face was never more beautiful than now,
relaxed and serene, all the shadows of her illness smoothed away as
if by magic.  Her hand lay against my chest, fingers curled into my
shirt and pressed to my heart, and her lips nuzzled into my neck; I
treasured the feel of it - of Scully.

Yet even as I cherished this time with her, residual anger, black
and rending, threatened to displace any quiet joy I felt, and I
fought to keep it at bay as I held her.  Anger at the cards we'd been
dealt, years ago when we were only beginning to understand the
magnitude of this conspiracy in which we'd become embroiled. 
Helplessness so complete it caused actual pain - that I was, in spite
of all I'd done, losing her.  My heart could refuse to accept it from
now until Doomsday, but my mind was too sore and exhausted to fight. 
Yet I had to fight - I could not let her go.

If I let her go, I'd die.  There would be no reason to go on.

I lay awake with Scully in my arms and so many small things fell
into exact and precise place; things I'd felt and things for which
I'd attained an awareness these past few years.  Times when the tilt
of her head or the placement of one small hand could make the
difference between a good day or a bad one.  The simple happiness I
could obtain from nothing more than needling her science and waiting
for her ascending eyebrow, or her slow burn as she digested my half-
baked theory with true Scully disdain.  The times I watched for that
one small upwards curl of her mouth, as she grudgingly allowed
herself amusement at my expense... I realized now that I would gladly
put myself at her expense time and again for the rest of my life if
it meant I could see her little smile, and join in her amusement.

It seemed as though I'd been born loving Scully... that somehow I'd
grown up with an innate knowing, of a redheaded child who would
someday own my soul and control my heart with nothing more
complicated than the soft way she spoke the word, 'Mulder'...

It would not have mattered how many women I'd met; how many lovely
women such as Lilly could cross my path in one lifetime.  I knew
without a single doubt I would never have been satisfied with what I
may have found in their arms or in their offered love.  I knew that
now.

As the hours crept deeper into the night I held my love in my arms and
plotted with desperate calculation the obliteration of the enemy
within her frail body, prepared to do battle with any and all demons -
until its defeat was in my grasp.  And as full darkness slipped in
through the slotted blinds at the windows I as gently slid from her
embrace and tucked the blankets around her shoulders.  Pressing a
kiss to her soft hair and silently promising her a miracle, I left
Scully in God's capable hands - and went off to find a demon to
fight.

***********
end of chapter eight


~ Chapter Nine ~


The door swung open and I turned eagerly toward the light spilling
into the room from the hallway. Instead of the tall, lanky form I had
been hoping to see, Vivien, the night nurse walked toward me with a
smile on her face that reached from ear to ear.

In just a few days, everything had changed... the grin on my face
had to be just as wide, as I held out my hands.  Vivien reached my
bed in two swift strides.

"Dana!" she exclaimed. "I just started my shift and heard the good
news. Remission!" she cried as she grabbed both of my hands and
squeezed them tightly between her own. The joy on her face was
genuine and unmistakable. Too often these doctors and nurses find
themselves on the losing side of the war against this disease.

"It's a miracle," I told her, returning her squeeze. She blinked
back tears and then set about fussing over me, straightening the
blankets over my legs and plumping the pillows behind my head.

"Vivien," I called to her softly as she refilled the small plastic
pitcher with water from the sink in the bathroom. She walked back
into the room and set the pitcher within reaching distance of my
hands.

"Do you need something honey?" she asked kindly. I nodded and looked
toward the door.

"Is Mulder still sitting out there?" I asked. She shook her head and
my heart sank. I was so sure that he would still be there. My family
had camped out in my room for most of the day and night and I had
barely had a chance to speak with him after the doctors had given me
the good news.

"I heard someone say that he was sleeping in the lounge," Vivien
told me. Mulder's near-constant presence at the hospital had made him
a familiar figure to the staff. I knew the nurses had been
plying him with coffee and other goodies during his nocturnal visits.
More than once I had awakened in the middle of the night to find him
sleeping in the chair next to my bed, a blanket draped over his
slumped shoulders by a kindly nurse or orderly. 

"Would you ask him to come here?" I asked pleadingly. Vivien planted
her hands on her ample hips and frowned at me. I knew she was
waging an internal battle over the importance of rest for a
recovering patient and her desire to give in to the beseeching look
on my face. Finally she relented and shook her head as if despairing
of the soft spot she obviously held for her patients.

"Ten minutes," she warned and I nodded obediently. A few moments
later I heard his footsteps hurrying down the hall toward my room.
The door opened and he was across the room in three quick strides, a
huge smile on his tired, beautiful face. I slid across the bed and he
settled down on the mattress, facing me, and pulled me into his arms.

"We got our miracle, Scully," he whispered. I nodded and clutched
him tightly in my embrace. I felt his fingers trace lightly over the
small bandage on the back of my neck and then the warmth of his
breath as he fervently pressed his lips over the same place. I leaned
against him, enjoying the feel of his arms around me - and I
refused to give in to the worrying thought of where we would go from
here. Instead I rested my cheek against his shoulder and reveled in
the tenderness of his fingers winnowing through my hair in a soothing
rhythm. 

"Time's up," Vivien whispered as she poked her head into the room.
"Come on, Mr. Mulder," she said. "You can come back tomorrow, but
Dana still needs to rest." Mulder nodded and slipped out of my arms.
He stood up and waited until I was settled comfortably against the
pillows before tucking the blankets securely around me. He bent down
and brushed his lips over my forehead, then gently and lingeringly
kissed my mouth.

"Sleep well, Scully," he whispered against my lips, before
straightening and moving from the bed. I nodded and watched him walk
across the room. He stopped in the doorway and turned toward me. The
light from the hallway was behind him and his face was hidden in the
shadows, but I saw him lift his hand to his heart before waving
goodbye.

"Goodnight," he murmured softly. I tugged the covers up to my chin
and sighed.

"Goodnight," I whispered as the door slid closed behind him.

************** 

When I opened my door and saw Fox - well, more importantly, saw the
look of quiet joy on his face - I knew I had lost.  I'd been sitting
on the edge of my sofa, hands folded in my lap, since the moment I'd
hung up from his phone call.  He'd wanted to come over, he'd said -
had great news to tell me.  Of course I knew it had to be about Dana;
what else could it be?  Lately, with Fox... everything was about Dana.

This time when that ugly thought planted itself in my head I didn't
shame myself into pushing it away - this time I hugged it to me with
jealous greed.  I refused to contemplate how very small I'd become in
just a few short minutes, as I sat and waited for his knock on the
door.  And suddenly all the positive energy I'd been feeling all
morning; all the hopeful thoughts I'd gathered over the past few days
- all of it went up in a spark of pure spite.  A part of me - the
part that still remembered what it was like to be Gran's little angel
- hated the blackness swimming in waters that up until now had always
been clear.  

Then again... I had never been in love this way - fully enamored,
and  desperate.  And I'd never had anyone like Fox Mulder in my life.
If any man was worth fighting for, it was Fox.  For weeks I had been
telling myself that I would be the worst sort of bitch, if I fought
against a dying woman for a larger slice of the man we both loved. 
Up until that phone call, I was doing a fine job of convincing myself
to be the better person, regardless of whatever permission I had
received from Dana.  

When my phone rang my heart had jumped and thudded painfully inside
my chest, and the hand that reached for the receiver had actually
trembled.  I thought, 'This is it - she's gone.  My poor Fox...' As
soon as his voice sounded in my ear, so animated and warm and happy -
I knew.  The look on his face when I opened the door only
strengthened the bitter knowledge that my time with Fox was over.

He'd stood there with the biggest smile on his tired face, looking
so handsome it about broke my heart; with both hands he reached out
for my arms, and pulled me into a bear-hug.  I felt numb but I could
still decipher the subtle difference in the quality of that hug.  It
suddenly proclaimed 'friend' instead of 'lover'... I swear I could 
tell.  I pinned a smile on my face and hugged him back, and waited 
for the words that would crush my hopes.

"Lilly, God, it's a true miracle.  Scully's in remission.  It's
still touch and go a bit but if she holds steady, there's no reason
to think she won't make a complete recovery."  Fox's eyes glowed,
positively shone with happiness; he hugged me again and this time
lifted me a little and swung me around.  When he let me touch the
floor again I fought to keep the smile attached firmly on my face. 
Inside, I felt that I was crumbling, piece by piece.  

Yes, I was glad for Dana; My God, I'm not a monster!  I was happy to
know she would be all right; would live out a normal life.  I could
never wish anything as heinous as cancer on even my worst enemy.  But
I am also human, with human failings.  I would probably be ashamed
for a very long time that I let those nasty feelings take me over,
before Fox arrived.  However, when he hugged me and I could see and
experience for myself his utter joy, I knew I couldn't let bitterness
rule my day any longer.  That wasn't me... I'd been raised better
than that.

I looked up and smiled into Fox's glowing face, and this time my
smile was genuine.

"Oh, Fox - I'm so glad.  This is great news.  Was it that chip you
told me about?  Is that what healed her?"  Fox nodded and pulled me
over to the sofa; we sat facing each other and I allowed myself the
pure pleasure of being his focal point - knowing it might be the
last.  I concentrated on his explanation.

"Yeah, it had to be the chip.  We may never know how or why it
worked, and really at this moment I don't care.  It worked and she's
going to beat this - that's all I care about."  I reached out and
squeezed his hand, and Fox squeezed back, face still wreathed in
smiles.  He added, "She'll have to stay in the hospital a few more
days and undergo some tests, but I think they'll spring her by the
end of the week.  I'm going to talk her into going to her mom's for
some TLC.  She'll fight me on it, but I think right now Scully needs
her family around her."  

I nodded, thinking that if it were me I'd be wanting my Gran's
comforting presence and cheerful caring, all around me.  I watched
Fox as he jumped up from the sofa, clearly restless, probably anxious
to get back to the hospital, and Dana.  I wanted to keep him with me
as long as I could; how would I ever be able to let him go?  For I
knew as soon as he walked out that door he'd be lost to me.  And I
also knew that I wanted our parting to be on my terms.  It was a
matter of pride; a matter of finding the best way to survive the loss
of the man I loved, so much - a way of gaining strength in the
knowledge that I would somehow find joy in his happiness.  My terms...

I stood up and moved over to his side, and placed my hand on his
arm, wanting desperately to just grab him up into my embrace and
never let him go.  It took every ounce of my restraint not to drop to
my knees before him and beg him to stay with me, even though neither
of us had yet to speak of leaving.  At the touch of my hand Fox
turned to me with another smile, this time warm and tender and all
mine.  Before I could open my mouth to speak, the words were tumbling
from him in a low rush.

"Lilly, throughout these past months you've been a grounding force
for me; I don't know what I would have done without your caring and
understanding.  I wish..."  His voice trailed off into an uneven
whisper as I found myself placing silencing fingers against his lips.
My answering smile was wobbly and teary, but my voice came out firm
and clear.

"You wish it could be different, Fox - but it's not.  We're not
meant to be together.  It took me a long time to see it and admit it,
but I think it's time I grew up a little - and it's time as well, for
you to see that the only woman you will ever want to commit to, is
Dana..."

*********************

I stared at her in confusion.  How could Lilly think something like
that?  Hadn't I been the committed one, to her - for well over two
years?  I had been hers exclusively, as she had been mine - when had
I ever given her pause to think of Scully and me, in that way?

And yet... when had I not?

I was rooted to the spot, shock at Lilly's words and the look in her
eyes holding me captive.  In those soft eyes of hers I saw
resignation and a kind of acceptance, and the knowledge that my
feelings had been so transparent just threw me, hard.  I thought I'd
done such a great job of keeping it buried, though I knew Lilly was
an intelligent, intuitive person.  And if I never saw anything wrong
with stringing her along for all this time... I sure did, now.  

My God - I had tied up two and a half years of her life, with no
thought of how I would complete it and what sort of reward she would
get for her devotion.  And while I was treating Lilly in that manner,
I was also attempting self-declaration where Scully was concerned,
yet never thinking beyond what would happen if she beat the cancer
odds.  So busy mourning the loss of Scully, when I should have been
freeing myself for her and however much time we might have together -
and releasing Lilly from her bondage to my affection and allowing her
a way to get on with her life.

God, I was a jerk...  I bowed my head and rubbed hard at my eyes,
and when I looked up I know remorse was evident all over me.  I put
my arms around Lilly and held her close, taking comfort yet again
from her familiar scent and the way she felt in my arms.  She was
trembling a little, and I thought I heard a sniffle; the idea that I
could cause her pain, enough to cry - I felt like shit for that.  

"Lilly, Jesus, I'm sorry... so sorry.  I do care about you, so much.
It's just... I was never ready - not for what you needed from me.  I
couldn't give that to you and I'm damned sorry."  I felt her nod
against my shoulder and the eyes she raised to me were damp but
steadfast.

"Fox, don't.  We can't pick and choose how and with whom we feel
love.  God, nobody knows that better than I do!  My Gran told me once
that in every relationship there is one who loves, and one who is
loved.  She said equality in love was rarer than the rarest gold and
twice as precious.  All my life I have been the one who loves, Fox -
I have yet to find someone who would let me just be loved."  Lilly
wiped at her eyes, then placed her fingers along my jaw.  "I deserve
it, I know that now - I deserve to be loved.  To have somebody
worship me and want to marry me, have a family with me - somebody
wanting it so badly that they'd pass through fire to get to me.  It's
what we all deserve, Fox - including you."    Her fingers pressed
gently into my cheek as she continued.

"I think you have a real chance of finding it, with Dana.  I have a
feeling you would have found it long ago, both of you - if you'd
opened yourselves up to the possibilities.  Maybe you thought you had
all the time in the world to fall in love... but as you can see,
sometimes a person doesn't know what they have until they almost lose
it.  I think it took a near-tragedy for you to see the need you both
have for each other.  And if you'd been a lesser man you would have
dumped me long ago when you first realized how you felt.  You would
have left me in the dust, Fox - and you also have to know that's not
who you are."  Her challenging stare was impossible to escape and
with a sigh, I rested my forehead on her shoulder, acknowledging how
right she was.  

I had tried to make it work with both Lilly and Scully, unable to
truly commit to either one of them, and in doing so I had hurt them -
both of them.  I must have muttered that thought out loud, because
Lilly shook her head and stared up at me.

"No.  You couldn't have known this, Fox - I have only recently
learned it myself.  You were too close to it to see it, and I only
wanted to see my side of it.  Live and learn, right?"  With that,
Lilly slowly disengaged from me and took a step back, and I let her
go.  I stood before her and felt again that sweetness I always felt
when I was around her; felt the way her inner and outer loveliness
clung to her, more heady than perfume.  Some man was going to be the
luckiest bastard alive, someday - when she finally let him discover
her.  And I found myself stepping close to her and kissing her mouth
gently, murmuring those very words to her - and she huffed a small
laugh; her retort made me smile.

"Damned straight, Mister!  He'll be very lucky... and I'm not going
to settle for less.  Neither are you, right?"  Her head tilted to one
side as she awaited my answer.  I shook my head and walked to her
door, keeping an arm around her; giving her one final hug before I
left.

"No, Lilly - I won't settle, either..."

I drove in a sort of daze, all the way home from Lilly's place.  I
kept running the same words over and over: "I'm not going to settle
for less."  Those soft words of hers really forced me to acknowledge
the way I had put her life on hold during the time she'd spent with
me.  

Oh, I knew Lilly had fallen in love with me soon after we'd begun
our relationship.  I could feel it every time she touched me, kissed
me.  And so many times I had wished I could say the words right back
to her; I tried to make up for that verbal loss by showing her in
physical response how much she had meant to me.  But it was never
enough, and Lilly's devotion to me really warranted more than just as
tender kiss or two.  

I parked my car and trudged up to my apartment, not bothering with
the slow as molasses elevator.  I gained my door and let myself in,
and plopped down on my old sofa.  Leaning my head back, I thought
about how much I would miss Lilly.  There was no question of
remaining friends with her; I knew it would not be good for either of
us.  A clean break was vital if she were to get on with her life, and
if I were to remain fair to her.  But, I would miss her, very much. 
She kept me sane in these past months, kept me from losing my mind
over Scully's illness.

As I thought about it I understood something I had never seen
before... that Lilly had been keeping me sane for Scully.  I don't
think she knew it but that's exactly what had been going on.  I would
come to her tense and stressed from any number of horrible cases, or
frustrated to the point of agony over Scully - and she would put her
arms around me and without saying a word, ease me and calm me. 
Without her loving care I would never have gotten through the darkest
days, when Scully's life hung in the balance and none of us had a
clear idea of her survival chances.  

I dropped my head in my hands and scrubbed hard at my burning eyes. 
I would miss Lilly, more than I could say - a piece of my heart had
stayed behind when I kissed her goodbye and left her.  But I had to
look forward, now - the same way Lilly would face the future and find
that one man who could assure she would be loved.  It would be a much
better man than I could ever be, this I knew.  

My agenda had changed, and it now included the one person I would
gladly die for... 

***************

After Fox left I managed to close the door and walk all the way into
my bedroom with my head held high - before I collapsed on my bed and
buried my face into my pillow.  In between hiccuping tears I told
myself I had come out on top; that I was the winner and not the loser
- that I had maintained strength and balance.  

But my arms mourned the loss of Fox's warmth and my lips bemoaned
the kisses I would never taste again.  I wasn't born yesterday - I
didn't fool myself into thinking I would enjoy a speedy recovery from
this and go on to find the man of my dreams.  Yes, I'd done the right
thing.  I'd been the one to break it off; I'd been the one to do the
releasing, for a change.  I'd acted more like a woman and less like a
moonstruck girl, for the first time in my life.  

But, oh... it hurt.  I'd watched Fox walk away, down the corridor
and into the elevator, and he had glanced back once and smiled at me,
with a funny little wave-salute.  I had smiled back and waved as well
- then closed the door on two and a half years of knowing, and loving
Fox.  

It hurt.

I rolled myself into a little ball and let the tears come; let the
purging begin.  Everything I'd been holding inside... I let it out. 
Anger and remorse and guilt and jealousy - I screamed and cried it
all into my pillow, muffling the noise I made because the sensible
side of me would not want to get evicted for excessive screeching
even as the ranting maniac in me wanted nothing more than to rattle
my windows with it.

In the end I ranted less than I wanted to and louder than was
prudent - and then I staggered to the bathroom to wash my face, and I
changed into fresh clothes.  I grabbed my purse and locked the door
behind me as I left my little sanctuary - and I pointed my car in the
direction of the one place I could go to heal the fastest -

Gran's.

*********************
end of chapter nine

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